Riding back on the bus through Bosnian countryside
On the World Race, and I think missionaries in general, we learn just as much as we attempt to share with others. One person I talked to recently noted that very well it may be the tough times...the open learning process and struggle that shares truth with people that need to be discipled...in every nation. We just came back from Bosna i Hercegovina on an amazing adventure to share Christ, but I want to share the other end of the last blog I posted first -something else God has been sharing with me during my time in Bosnia. Because I don't think I'm the only one that deeply struggles with these questions. The following is a journal entry that I wrote with Jesus on my bus ride back into Croatia last night while travelling through beautiful mountain country at sunset.
Jesus – I want to be yours, and you to be mine. And as part of my relationship with you, I want you to select my beauty – a reflection of you – while I'm here on earth. As my gift – to love.
I'm sorry for coveting what isn't my gift – or my gift yet; maybe before that gift is ready. For mistrusting you and cheating myself out of someone beautiful you want to give me and to draw me ... and her ... into greater intimacy with you. Whomever she is – is precious – and wonderful – and beautiful to me – for exactly the way you've created me and her!
You have created me to see beauty the way I do for a reason – and I think you want to satisfy my desire in that way for that reason. The beauty in my wife, if that's what you desire for me in this lifetime, will draw me closer to you; I will see you in her.
In the end, the greatest gift you will give me through all of the gifts you give me is the ability and desire to deeply love you and those around me.
If you see best, the wife you will give me will not be a distraction from you, but intimately part of the love between me and you. And I will be part of the love between you and her.
How do I deal will all of this desire now, though? Honestly, I don't know. I'm learning to ask Jesus to show me His beauty when I pray. I love cuddling with my creator in my sleeping bag in the morning – crazy, eh? And once again even today, God is releasing away the stress in me through a thunderstorm. I don't know how all of this is supposed to work. But I think God may be able to satisfy our longings even here on earth in just the way we need when we give up crying for what we don't have, and simply give our desires to Him to satisfy in whatever way He knows we need best now.
I think God created us uniquely and for a purpose. And those uniquenesses and purposes He desires...WAITS to satisfy in the MOST PERFECT way possible in His way and His timing! We see beauty the way we do because He created us that way, and waits for us to draw into Him so He can satisfy us once we stop struggling to fend for ourselves and simply receive what He is waiting to offer us.
Bosnia was amazing, because we chose to let go of our expectations to allow our creator to work. I look forward to figuring out how to blog that experience as we prepare to head through the United States for the first time in 9 months on our way to Guatemala!
Jesus, my heart is fickle. I want you to set my gaze upon where you want it. Right now, I REALLY TRUST YOU; I cannot trust myself. Please take my eyes where you want them to be, set them upon where I want to be – where you want them to be. Commit my heart to the beauty you want me to know. I want you, and I don't know what's best for me. Take me, take my heart. Now more than ever, I'm done trying to figure this out on my own.
Love – it's the greatest reason that I still want to exist anymore, and the single greatest cause of why I no longer want to.
Mike Bickle in his book titled Seven Longings of the Human Heart* says,
"God's capacity for burning affection is one of the most unique aspects of His character. To be deeply loved and to deeply love in return is one of the unique qualities of the human spirit. This capacity for affection brings us to unimaginable heights of glory, but it can also be our downfall, bringing us to agonizing depths of perversion. An individual's capacity for burning desire, if re-fused, releases a terrifying capacity for destruction. Emotions can bring us to heights far beyond the angels if we say yes to God's grace, but to the lowest places of darkness if we say no to it. Exodus 20:5 says, "For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God..." God has jealous, fiery emotions for us and has created us to have the same emotions in response to Him."
As I stare out my 4th floor apartment here in Split, Croatia I see cars parked everywhere on the sidewalks. As I walk to the café to work or head to the Riva to share Christ, sometimes I'm bored enough to notice the cracks in the sidewalk stand out in this concrete jungle. Just next door a huge, multi-story modern mall is packed with a theatre, the latest fashions, and expensive restaurants. None of it means anything to me. Thousands of people living out their lives in oblivion...in a slow, plastic, fake, horrific death.
All around Split, huge billboards of women in bathing suits showcase their physical beauty. And yet their beauty is only like an instant flash on the movie screen of my mind before it fades. Most likely, her beauty is horrific and cruel – like a plastic plant; the outside from afar alludes to a great beauty on the inside, but from 10 feet away, she, the person whom the picture was taken of, is just fake. She's just an empty shell desperate to know Jesus but who has chosen to reject being transformed into beauty from her ashes. And I hurt SO MUCH!
For the last nine years that I can remember, my heart has longed for intimacy and beauty – to be one in the spirit and in flesh. And yet that desire has only led to great pain, torrential hurt. I've failed semesters of classes because of my horrific loneliness. No sense of duty, no fascination with science, no longing for great accomplishment or greatness comes close in comparison to the gnawing emptiness within me.
Once again, here in Split of all places, God has asked my dreams to die. My affections towards Him are still too weak, my heart too fickle. I fear I could never commit to a person in marriage. I fear that my passions for my wife – even if I found her to be captivatingly beautiful – could be turned at any time.
Right now, God is putting thorns in my path to protect me, protect my heart – because my heart, my affections are still far more affected by the beauty that God has placed in women than for his own beauty, the source! I'm desperate to know what David speaks of in Psalm 27:4 when he says, "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
I have no hope now. I've either been rejected ... and most often God has told me NO most of the time to my desires to pursue somebody. But somehow I want to deeply know the beauty and love of my Jesus. I'm scared of the loneliness, scared of how long this will take. Yet I want to be completely satisfied, comforted, and captivated by the source of all beauty and love even it if means never being united with someone here on earth. I want my love song to always be for the one whom I love and who loves me the most. The one who has made me a covenant with me. Who is my Savior? What does that word mean? It means that one who will do ANYTHING for intimacy with me, the one who recklessly values my true affections. Who will allow His heart and body to be torn up in incredible pain for the hope of intimacy and affection with me. That is Jesus.
I will do ANYTHING for the one whom I love just because I love them. I'm not there with my creator yet – but I wanna be there. I'm afraid because I want to physically express and physically know the love and beauty my heart screams for inside as my act of worship. I don't want to settle or compromise. I don't want to be denied physically the intensity of the beauty, love, and intimacy I desire spiritually. But for now I choose to trust the best that I can even though I will make mistakes ... and see how for the rabbit hole goes.
I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love
– Excerpt from Here With Me, Mercy Me
The amazing side of life here in Croatia:
1.) I get to see God's love expressed through our team and a church already here as we share Jesus here in Split!
2.) I get to see God revealing incredible beauty in the women on my team as they are continually transformed!
3.) We get to swim a mile in the Mediterranean non-stop and run through beautiful trails in a huge park nearby!
Looking out the train window shortly after sunrise as we climb to the top of the mountain to descend into Split.
Before we started the World Race, stories of 90 hour bus rides through the heat of Africa packed like cargo together with tons of people who hadn't seen showers or deodorant were left deeply imprinted in my mind. And although Africa did present lots of smelly, packed bus rides with 16 people in a van that was probably designed for about 9, I'm finding that we often spend much of our time on trains. That's how we get around China, India, and now much of Europe as we're on our second leg of a 33-hour, 2-night, 3-train journey from Brasov, Romania through Budapest, Hungary to finally arrive in Split, Croatia, where we'll be spending the next month before getting on a plane to Central America. Trains are an amazing place to think and ponder, walk around, and listen to God! And in this case, write a blog.
Where have we been lately? Although we lived in three different cities during our time in Romania, the majority of our ministry this past month was focused in the small gypsy village of Arcalia. We had no schedule, no aggressive plan. And yet in that freedom, we learned much about what ministering to our own team, now becoming family, looks like. And how essential family ministry is in showing others the love of Christ, and in enabling us to share and love outside our family.
During our time in Arcalia, our contact graciously moved their family out of half of their home to allow us to live with them in village! And we began to participate in simple village life with our new friends. With no running water, we drew from a community well and boiled water on a wood stove outside for bathing and hand-washing clothes. We served one another, cooking on a small stove and washing dishes in a basin outside. Every evening the cows were herded down the from the pasture to be milked, and the constant click-click of metal shoes of horses throughout the day and night pulling horse-drawn carriages regularly reminded me the slow, relaxing pace of life here. On Sunday, church took place in our backyard underneath the sun. And on other days, church happened around a campfire with kids from all over the community desperate to be hugged and played with, desperate to be loved and shown Christ! Church and sharing Christ took place in seemingly random opportunities during runs throughout the town, through prayer walks through the village, visiting homes, being invited in by strangers to drink Turkish coffee, and dozens of God-inspired opportunities throughout the day.
And once again, God knew exactly what I needed far more than I did. I was able to run and explore hill after hill, meadow after meadow, and mile after mile of old growth forest, worshiping and experiencing God in the wilderness. And God continued to teach me and change me deep inside with one of the most important lessons and transformations I may go through; a transformation that's changing and bringing life to why I want to share Christ with my home – people all around the world.
Short Update: We currently are in Croatia working with a church in the city of Split. I hope to share more details about last month in Romania as well as this month soon!
As much as we are able to share Christ with others, God has continued to take me through alot of very painful and yet sweet struggle, and I want to share just some of what is bleeding out of my heart right now as I learn from my team and the people we share with and begin to love and fully understand the cry of David throughout Kings and Psalms. Yeah...so here it is!
My heart desperately and deeply desires to long for and be one with the heart of my God. And yet I feel like it can so easily taken with hopes for a wife. Perhaps because I don't believe; I don't see how desirable my God really is. My heart lately feels confused, feeling somewhat swayed by the wind, uncomfortably fickle. I can't wholeheartedly make anyone the center of my affections. And yet, it's exactly where God wants me. Because He wants to be at the center of my affections. I know this is where God's taking me. I'm desperate to see the beauty of my God. I long deeply to know why David was filled with joy and shameless praise because of our God!
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all of the days of my life to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord." "My heart says of you, 'Seek his face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek." -- Psalm 27:4,8
"O God you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you...Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you." -- Psalm 63:1,4,5,7,8
For a long time, I've struggled to worship through song, struggled to understand why people are so passionate when they sing about God. For me, I often worship through running or swimming here in the Adriatic Sea, or hiking through the woods. And yet at the same time, I'm aching inside to join the party – to be filled and fully express the joy of knowing the heart and seeing the face of my God. I'm aching to shamelessly dance, stand, kneel, raise my hands, and passionately sing no matter what anyone else is doing around me.
I'm afraid of becoming who God is asking me, transforming me to be. Yet I feel a lion roaring within me that wants to lead the way and free others to know Jesus, wants to defend and protect the weak, wants to have the courage to pierce the lines of our enemy even if no one else yet has the courage through the strength, love, and courage of my God flowing through me. I want to shout out all that God is laying on my heart, and yet I feel so incapable; yet I don't know how much longer I can hold back all of the passion that is within me. What I fear is also what I greatly desire -- I deeply want to courageously take the joy, life, love of God and free others to know, be filled, and express that life and joy too!
My place is not where it's comfortable. It's on the front lines, on the battlefield in the greatest battle of our lifetimes -- the battle for the hearts of people. One of the final scenes in the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King has long resonated with me; the scene where Aragorn chooses to charge the gates of Mordor regardless of who follows. I've long felt that's who I am to be. And I'm beginning to have the courage to believe it. And yet who I am starts with a shameless humility and joy...and a deep love for my God. He wants all of my heart and affections -- He wants to be at the very center of them -- no matter who I'm with or what I'm going through. And when that happens -- then I can truly love and fight for others.
I often joke that cold and I have a love-hate relationship. I love the beauty of the snow, especially when the sun creates a bright blue sky and fresh glistening snow blankets a forest of spruces and pines in the mountains. Snow connects with my heart; I even remembering crying as a kid when we only had two feet on the ground. But here in Ukraine, I only hate the cold. India was chaotically colorful; Ukraine feels gray and dead. At night, I look forward to heading to bed simply to get warm. A small electric heater struggles to fight the freezing temperatures in our large, empty room. And four blankets simply keep me from being too cold to sleep. But real warmth never comes.
It's snows every once and a while, but it never sticks to clean the grays and browns with its whiteness. At night I hear the constant dripping of the faucet into the cold, steel sink to try and prevent the rusty above-ground pipes from freezing. Most of the buildings are gray, maybe with a little bit of peeling blue or brown paint.
In Луга́нск (pronounced "Luhonsk"), the closest large city, the few people we see outside only wear gray, brown, or black. All around, aging Soviet-era factories pollute the environment. Most hardly produce anything, and they themselves and their unused products rust away outside, as their former workers rust away from the inside.
Not surprisingly, most of the people in the villages surrounding our camp are spiritually dead. People overeat, drink to solve their problems, and turn to sex to feel a bit of any life and intimacy. We've been told that roughly 85 percent of the people here struggle with alcoholism, and that AIDS is growing faster here than in Africa. Most of the men are lazy and rarely think ahead, leaving the women to provide for basic needs. And many of the men that do work, work in coal mines, retire in their 40s and don't live past 50. It feels like depression, hopelessness, and despair prevent these people from being freed beyond anything but survival. And the sin they turn to only continues to trap them in the never-ending downward spiral of death, both physical and spiritual.
In our Western society, we're taught to understand the world around us only from the physical. Even within the church, we acknowledge that the spiritual world exists in theory, but I don't think we really believe that it does. It's like we live within "The Matrix" – our real enemy has pulled a blind over our eyes to make us believe he doesn't exist. But the trouble is – the world we live in doesn't make any sense without understanding the spiritual.
And as we go into new places here in the World Race, I think God allows us to feel how the enemy is working in a place. We become part of the battle rather than just spectators. And often it sucks, because it feels like we've been hit with a barrage of feelings and temptations without knowing where they've come from or sometimes even realizing they exist.
And for me, Ukraine is no different. The past week, I've felt dead. Two nights ago, I couldn't sleep for hours as I fought a barrage of temptations to feel bitter towards people on our squad and even back in the United States. And last night, life felt painfully hopeless as I longed for God to breathe any life into my chapped heart.
I know that as followers of Christ, every one of us is to bring life wherever we're at. But what does that look like? I fear that sometimes I only bring death. This month, I long to know what it means to bring life – the life that Christ brings – to a person, or a community, or even a nation. We've laid concrete in the Philippines, prayed for people and shared when we could in China, preached and shared all over Africa. I've often felt used and have wondered what is and isn't good. Have we created more division in the church or created bitterness towards Christ? Sometimes I feel like the enemy of joy, almost as if I've sided and given in to the enemy and his bitterness, becoming his agent rather than his foe.
This past month in India and Nepal was a turning point for me, though. I'm beginning to understand how much the spiritual really does affect people. And how to fight for others through prayer. I'm learning to believe that prayer and love
really does affect and bring life to people.
But now I want to make this my own, to begin leading rather than simply following because I have no idea what we're doing. I have a map on my wall of Nepal, and have begun praying for various villages as I learn its topography. And I'm praying for people God has put on my heart around the United States. I'm being challenged to love others on my squad and team right now, even though I don't fully know how, it's kinda scary, and as my imperfection, selfishness, and sin are being exposed.
I've seen enough to know I don't want to go back and be passive. There's too much at stake in this life to live for myself. I want to continually bring life wherever I go. We have four and a half months left on the World Race. And this is my training ground. I'm guessing things'll get messy, but I don't want to back out. I think God wants me to spiritually lead, and the road isn't paved ahead, nor is the path even decided. It's a path of humility, brokenness, and courage. The enemy has been tempting me to fear, feel judgment, and feel shame every step I take towards loving and fighting for others. And it's hard for me to differentiate between the truth and his lies.
This is war – the most important war of our lifetime – the war to love and bring life to one another.
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for God, the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food, day and night." "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me."
Above: Vine coated in ice
Center: Our bathroom sink dripping at night
Bottom: A pipe bursting in the 16-degree weather one night coating the spring flowers on the right in ice.
The sea of people in a country that has 9 times as many people in a square mile as the United States!
Our time in India was very short, and yet despite all of the hardships and spiritual battles I personally encountered, I think it will be one of the most memorable few weeks I will have on the World Race. India was the midpoint of our time on the World Race. And my experience was far more than I'd imagined!
Less than 1 percent of the people in the part of India we shared with know Jesus, and we were able to take part in sharing Jesus on the "front lines." Our days and nights were spent praying for refugee Tibetan Buddhists, sharing Christ with Nepalese migrant workers by dark, praying for those worshiping Satan in Hindu temples, and sharing Jesus with the local Indians. And we were able to encourage and be encouraged by Christians meeting in several house churches.
What is it like to be a Christian in India in light of what the news often reports? Although real violence towards Christians in India is rare, and technically religious freedom is granted by the government, local Christians are often socially persecuted. Those who do believe in Jesus may be disowned by their families, pushed away by their neighbors, and threatened by people in the local community. The enemy wants Christians to fear, for he has very open and huge strongholds that could be melted away if people share and pray about the freedom Christ has to offer.
As I prepare to focus on where God has me at this time – in Ukraine – I'm hiding this place away in my heart for now. And yet look forward to returning to Nepal and India again – perhaps for a very long time if that's what God desires.
Someone asked me last night about my time in Nepal and India, and I detailed in excitement the love God has placed in my heart for these people. And even then I felt myself breaking out in tears. It doesn't make sense to me, but I'm deeply moved by God's love for the people of the Himalaya. If home is where the heart is...in some senses, I feel at home around those special highlands.
A few months during our final days in Hong Kong, I borrowed a Lonely Planet travel guide to Nepal and began soaking up everything about these people I could in the few days we had before our flight to Kenya. Even then I wondered if God would ever send me to this amazing country. And even before then during our time in the Philippines, I began dreaming of what Tibet would be like, wondering if I'd ever be able to head there. And finally during our weeks in Northern India, I immediately began to fall in love with the people here, partly remembering what the Indians were like from going to college with so many of them, and partly because I feel like God has placed them on my heart now more than He ever has. I don't know why, but I'm growing to love the people of the Himalaya in all of these three nations. Far more than anyone anywhere we've been so far.
Excitingly part of our team did have the wonderful privilege of actually visiting Nepal, seeing Everest, and praying for and sharing with the people of Kathmandu! Yesterday, we returned to India from Nepal early afternoon to spend about sixteen more memorable hours in the Delhi airport waiting for our flight to Kyiv. And as we finally lifted off of the runway from India this morning, I felt my heart breaking to leave this place. Even as I wait here in the airport in Ukraine for the remaining members of my team to fly in through Austria, I'm constantly fighting tears because I just want to go back. I don't think I've ever felt this way about people in another country before. I love the beauty of the Himalayas...and yet surprisingly I think my love is more for the people than the place. God has so much love for the "Himalayans", and I feel his heart for them. They are beautiful and yet desperately hurting. Most of them are in slavery to Hinduism or Buddhism – physically and spiritually oppressed by dead gods and the real Satan that cannot and will not love them.
Yet we're here in what feels like the Western world now, though. Even though Ukraine is still not as wealthy as the West, it still seems much like America right now. It's comfortable, the roads are nice, and most people go about their own business. And it's almost too quiet. I often need the serenity and the beauty of the wilderness. But I miss the sea of people in Nepal and India. I miss their curiosity, the chaos, the beautiful colors of their clothing, even though it all sometimes overwhelming. I miss it because I now see so much beauty in them. And I'm hurting inside. I long to return someday...perhaps for a long time. I know this is love.
Gods at the Swayambhunath temple in Kathmandu, Nepal. Many people are in slavery to these images.
Pictures of downtown Kathmandu. The smoggy city is a clash between Eastern and Western culture. Outside the busyness of Kathmandu, however, the country is a beautiful mountain hideaway where tropical forests in the lowland slowly yield to pine forests, then tundra, and finally the snow-capped peaks of the highest mountains in the world.
The beginning of the Holi festival here in India began a few days after we arrived, a festival that's associated with witchcraft and idol worship. During one festival night, Aaron witnessed people dancing around and lying prostrate before a fire right across the street from where we're living.
Our third day here in India, we were told by our contact that the Hindu religion has over 33 million known gods, and many more hardly known. In Hinduism, almost anything can be a god. Hindus are very accommodating and will often accept gods from other religions – so long as Satan doesn't see them as a threat...so long as they don't see the freedom and joy of knowing Christ personally.
The irony – is that I too have been very accommodating. Here are some of the gods I've had:
The Clock (Time)
A Wife
Sex
Success
Money
Food
Intimacy
Mountains
Vacations
Grades
Safety
My Job
My Image
Skiing
Adventure
Music
Computers
Entertainment
The Internet
Health
Even evangelism and ministry can be a god. In Revelation 2:2-4, Jesus says to the 'angel of the church in Ephesus,' "I know your deeds, your had work, and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."
What is a "god"? I believe it is anything that becomes more important in our days and our lives than our love relationship with our creator. Anything that causes us to forsake our first love in Jesus.
One of my greatest temptations even now in India is to allow my affections and desires to change to God's creation rather than for my creator. I can easily put my hope in things that are trivial when God is not at the forefront of my heart. And soon I begin to worry, fear, and even mistrust God. And yet Philippians 4:6-7 resonates with where God has me right now. It says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Like alcohol or sex or music, the things I've listed above are good! They have been created by God for our enjoyment and for us to draw closer to Him. But I think we can turn almost anything into a god! The question ultimately becomes, do I desire God before anything or anyone else? Or am I in chains to the thingsI want or the way that I feel like I need to experience love or significance? Am I a slave to idolism or am I free to let my creator love me in a way greater than I ever can? Am I more apt to love Him first and love everyone around me before everything else, or do I feel like I must take from others and take control because I'm not assured of His love for me?
Lower Left: A Hindu with a Cow. Cows are still considered Gods in India; they even block busy streets at times. But, they still in practice aren't given that much respect by most people.
Lower Right:A place of worship outside of a Hindu temple.
Lower Center: Often A Western God?
Credits:Dollar Bill image public domain from Wikipedia
In our Western society, we're taught to understand the world around us only from the physical. Even within the church, we acknowledge that the spiritual world exists in theory, but I don't think we really believe that it does. It's like we live within "The Matrix" – our real enemy has pulled a blind over our eyes to make us believe he doesn't exist. But the trouble is – the world we live in doesn't make any sense without understanding the spiritual.
