World Race October 2008 - Joel Chitwood

I Want to Give Everything Away

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 GMT

"All I am is all I have
And all, all I have to give, and I give it all to You"

- From "Alabaster Box", Julie Meyer

Over a month and what seems to be an eternity ago, I met with three of our instructors here at G42. That week was probably the most difficult, painful, and intense week I've had in life; the one thing that I clearly remember, though, was Andrew looking at me and saying, "If you choose to pour yourself out here during these six months and give of yourself to others, you will gain everything you came here for."

It's an ironic concept, isn't it? And yet beginning to cultivate pouring myself out to others has been an amazing experiment! A few weeks ago, both Summer and I felt like God was asking us to give the few hours we had together for the week to Him. Hard? Yeah. Yet that day was probably one of the best times we had together, and I don't think I could have planned an evening so amazing. We were able to pray for people on the beach, climb up into a tree and enjoy sharing what God did the past week, share Jesus with people throughout Torremolinos, and everything culminated with a completely unplanned dinner on the roof underneath the moonlight overlooking the city lights from our hilltop villa. Our time was amazing because He was flowing through us as we chose to give the best of what we had to Him... to others.

Jesus says in Acts 20:35, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." I think when we give of everything we have, when we give freely of the love that God has given us to others - especially when it's the best we've got, we receive the best of His love flowing through us. But if we just hold that love inside, we become dead. But giving allows the only love we've got - His love - to flow, and in turn we are made whole by giving.

The Costa del Sol, "Coast of the Sun", is a stretch of beach visible 1500 feet below the mountain Mijas sits on just six miles away. It's a popular tourist destination in Europe, and the streets and beaches are often filled with people from Germany and Great Britain. But underneath lies a world full of hurt, a world full of desperation. Prostitution is legal in Spain, and it's believed that this region of Spain has over 18,000 prostitutes, both trafficked, illegal, and legal. People come to this area from all over the world to run away in hopes that life will be different. Alcohol is cheap, hasish is easily available, and a blind eye is often turned to the illegal. I've met homeless from Chile, Denmark, Belgium, Estonia, and Italy that have no vision for the future; they only have pain from the past. Many have been on the streets for over twenty years! These guys are tough, and the thing they long for the most - friendship - is the one thing few people offer. I've given money a few times, but most the time they just want someone to stand with them in the rain, listen to their stories, hear their hurt.

I chose to sit down over a month ago next to one of these guys and just listen. And it's changed the course of everything. Yeah, it's draining. It's hard. I'm sometimes afraid that more will be required of me than what I have. But almost every time since then that I've given of myself to love these guys, God has blessed me with random opportunities to be encouraged by other Christians and moments of joy that could never have come without choosing to pour myself out to Him by giving of myself to others. This place feels like an ocean of need, far to big for me to handle. Yet every step I take towards facing that need I become more whole, more filled, more full of His love! I get to walk downtown now and call the homeless by name. I get to walk downtown through these streets and pray and invite His presence into this place. I get to share the truth of Jesus with people wanting to sell me hashish. Is there any better life? This is amazing!

The real life on the Mediterranean that most people don't see in tourist magazines.

First Image: Life in Mijas without tourists as the fog and rain quiet our small Pueblo.

The Dam Will Soon Break

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 00:00:00 GMT

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Timothy 4:6)

The other day a woman came knocking on our door here in Mijas. In her voice was the sense of urgency, pain. Her cry beckoned my heart. The walls of my heart were trying to hold on, desperately trying to prevent me from feeling broken, trying to prevent me from feeling her hurt and pain. A pain that would unleash me to action. She was asking for money for her and her child, I think to head to the pharmacy.

I agree in most cases its not prudent to give out cash to just anyone. But I don't want to use prudency anymore as an excuse to put up walls in my heart. Instead of trying to find reasons not to help people, am I willing to sacrifice everything to share the love of my creator, and paradoxically then know that love as He flows through me? Instead of what can't I do, I want to ask what can I do. Yeah, it probably isn't a good idea to give out money to just anyone, but could I have used the opportunity of the woman at the door to in some way provide for her that would cost me more than money; perhaps my time and my heart. What do I have? How can I show her love?

While we were in a small village of Mexico on the World Race, someone knocked on our door in the middle of the night in a torrential downpoor. We didn't understand his local dialect, but I instinctively knew he wanted to be cared for in some way. After trying to understand through hand signals, attempting to give him food, all of us getting drenched in the rain, we gave him a blanket and the kitchen to stay in for the night. But my heart was desperate to invite him into our home. That would have potentially cost us our safety; who was this guy? I think we often instinctively know what people are longing for, we know what they are asking. But we're afraid of what could happen if we could be broken enough to give everything away, to be "wasted" for others, so we use excuses to draw lines to protect ourselves. They want to know that someone is willing to love them enough even to care for, and in time even be invited into our hearts. I know that I long to have what costs others everything. Those that become my best friends are those that are willing to give me what costs them the most - their heart.

Yesterday I ran up into the mountains and ... what? I prayed for more brokenness. Why do I do this? My pain stops for a moment and I pray for more. Why!? Because I deeply long to feel the love that Jesus has for all people. Yes, we do need to care for our hearts and our families. But I want to feel used. I've put up so many walls around my heart to protect me that I have very little to give to others. But as much as it hurts, I want to feel naked at heart.

Am I willing to be immersed in an ocean of need, really trusting the sufficiency of God's love? Am I willing to be rejected? Am I willing to learn another language ... or many? Am I willing to have few material posessions; am I willing to have no rights; am I willing to feel insecure in my surroundings? Am I willing to give up my couch or my bed or my dirt floor so I take every opportunity to share the love of Christ with someone in hopes that they may know Him? Perhaps if we began loving the people in the woodwork all around us, they would dare to ask for more, dare to require more of us. And that could be one of the most amazing experiences we could have on this earth.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

-- Matthew 6:19-21

Above Images: Fisherman in the nearby town of Fuengirola. I'm finally considering the Malaga area my home for now, and I'm loving building relationships and sharing Jesus with people from all over the world!

Tibet Has Defeated China

Mon, 8 Feb 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Tibet: An elderly Tibetan women holding a prayer wheel on the Lhasa's pilgrimage circuit of Barkhor.
Image Taken By: Luca Galuzzi - www.galuzzi.it

Politics can be very confusing issues, and I believe God is using the authorities that are in place in China; He hasn't put up His hands; He's not lost control. However, a recent article in Newsweek portrays an interesting perspective on the Chinese attempt to assimilate the Tibetan plateau into China since the 1950s. The government has used its power to control the people of Tibet since its invasion in 1950. Yet they haven't earned the hearts; they don't have the love of the Tibetans.

"The money they had spent to buy the loyalty of Tibetans ($45.6 billion since 2001 for roads, trains, and housing complexes) had more or less come to nothing. 'Even the most massive infusions of funds have never been able to buy the affection of the people,' says Tibetologist Parvez Dewan, who has just coauthored a book called Tibet: Fifty Years After with Siddharth Srivastava. 'You can't get rid of the alienation of a people through development.'"

"Fifty Years After brims with surprise at the affluent, breathtakingly planned city that Lhasa has become-with sparkling six-lane roads and glass-front shops that sell all the top international designer labels. 'But we could not find any Tibetan who showed his loyalty to the Chinese,' says Dewan."

The Chinese have spent $45.6 billion and yet the one thing that matters the most, the heart of the people, they can't change. It's an interesting perspective and one that I think I can learn from. Paul says in I Cornithians 9:19, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible."

I'm facing the prospect that my increasing love for God is going to cost me everything. Am I willing to change my cultural identity to share Jesus' love that He has for all people? Am I willing to continually give and serve, never receiving love in return except from the one who loves me the most. Am I willing to be an actual slave, or at the very least walk in humility with the true confidence of my identity because of Christ living within me. I can't change people; I can't convince people of anything. If I teach, people can only receive, people will only change if the Holy Spirit is working within them. I know dangerously well that we often think we can change people with little cost to us. It's comfortable to think might, military power, or even the right words will cause change. But really, God has created people to be selflessly loved. True love is the one cross-cultural language that crosses through any barrier, any culture; it can melt the hardest of hearts, and tears down the thickest walls. Are we willing to lay down our pride, our rights, our freedoms for the chance to show people a love that their hearts are desperate for?

Yarlung Tsangpo river in Tibet. In India the same river becomes very wide and is called Brahmaputra.

Image Taken By: Luca Galuzzi - www.galuzzi.it

The full Newsweek article can be found at: http://www.newsweek.com/id/232606

True Love

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Summer and I in Rocky Mountain National Park

Summer is undoubtedly the best friend I've ever had. She loved me selflessly through pain for eleven months on the World Race, never expecting to be loved in return. She loves me now through tough times and an undetermined future. Summer longs to know my heart, longs to encourage me even if God might split our paths. I have notes in my passport from months ago that were never meant to be anything more than thankfulness and encouragement that seem just as living now as they did then. Although Summer never wrote them to be, they are the some of deepest and most living expressions of love and friendship I've ever known.

I honestly don't know how to fully receive that love right now, Summer. Because you are sharing some of the deepest love I've ever experienced. And that love can only come from Christ. I've never cried so much in my life these past few days because I'm realizing for the first time how vivid and real true love really is. My face has been drenched on buses and sidewalks and in the airport because I don't want to lose you. It hurts so much because I feel like in a second, God could tear that love away from me. But I'm wrong.

Summer; I'm beginning to see that your love is not your own. Your love is the love of Jesus. And nothing can take His love for me. I've heard about your love, Jesus. I've seen it talked about in the Bible. But I always wondered what that love looked like. Summer; I know what that love looks like because Jesus is living in you.

I never understood why Paul wanted to leave for heaven. In Philippians 1:22,23 he says, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me." Why would I want to leave those that I love for Jesus? It never made sense to me, yet always haunted me. There had to be a real reason, something within Paul that drove him to speak those words. He wasn't lying, wasn't exaggerating. There was a longing, a love within Him that was so strong and REAL that he said he wanted to go and be with the one whom he loved the most. Christ's love drove Paul to love nations of people. Paul's love for nations wasn't his own, it was Christ's. But only because he felt the unconditional living tenderness, living friendship of someone within him always caring for his heart.

Tonight I experienced something I've never experienced before. I felt like my heart suddenly shifted. I feel Jesus moving around in my heart. He wants me to feel what it's like for Him to be my best friend, just as real, just as alive as Summer. Summer; you are showing me who Jesus is.

Can I Go Back?

Wed, 3 Feb 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Today on the Mediterranean

All I feel here is pain right now. I'm hunting for relief, trying to find out if there's anyway around where God is leading me. Do I even want this anymore? It'd be so easy to return to Colorado and run around in the mountains. I'm facing the hurt, the real pain of where God could be leading me, and climbing mountains in the United States seems pretty comfortable right now. I've thought about it. I'm learning the cost of following Christ. Learning what it means to give everything.

The trouble is I can't go back anymore. What I experienced then I will never experience again. If I return to the United States, I'll only end up bored and without purpose and still in pain. I'm not who I was a month ago.

Why the pain? I know where I must go, but feel it's impossible to get there. There's no way around, under, or over jumping in the scary ocean of God's love. I'm afraid of that ocean, afraid that I'll lose who I am, afraid that I'll drown. Scared of the waves, the depth, the cold. Scared I'll be forgotten, that it'll be lonely, desolate; the Mediterranean feels like death right now. But I'm being drawn in; I can't turn back. I can't even stop being pulled into the waves anymore. I'm dragging my feet through the sand at times, but learning to let go. Because I can't love and delight until I know that I'm loved and delighted in. There is no way to stop the beckoning. I can try and delay the inevitable. But I know I'm made for this, I know that only death comes if I don't jump in.

Back in Croatia, I spoke from Song of Solomon about the personal love Jesus wants to have with us. It says, "I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me. Come my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages." (7:10,11). As I spoke, I admitted that this only seems like death and loneliness to me. Being alone in the countryside with Christ only seems like blackness; I don't know deep within that there is love to be found with Him. Fear of death; is God's love real; does it really fill the gnawing in my heart or does it make the gnawing worse? Verse 8:5 says, "Who is this coming up from the desert, leaning on her lover?" I think I finally want to come up from the desert leaning on Jesus. And I'm afraid of what it's going to take for me to get there. But I think now is the time. I think I'm finally desperate enough to let go. I won't know until I do.

I'm tired of striving. I want to finally be at rest. For the last fifteen years, I can't remember a time where I've known peace, a time where I've known rest! I'm done with trying, done with being weak. I think I'm almost ready to give up to know what it feels like to be secure in my relationship with Jesus. Are you?

I NEED TO KNOW THAT I'M LOVED
I NEED TO KNOW THAT I'M LOVED

THE ONLY THING THAT WILL UNLOCK MY HEART IS TO EXPERIENCE YOUR LOVE JESUS

Dangerous Lovers

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I think we often live a reckless life ignoring the parts of reality we don't want to face. Especially in Western Society, we strive to cheat death and pain. And in doing so, I think we often choose to ignore loving and learning from those who are older and hurting around us.

This morning, we were waiting to move Dave Hearn's family here at G42 into his new home. I sat on a wall that looked over the Mediterranean, watching people walking up and down the cobblestone streets. The dichotomy amazed me as nice, tidy, cars would fly by through the narrow labyrinth with seeming purpose. And then minutes of quietness would pass when I could focus on details that I might often overlook.

One lady was cleaning as she chatted in Spanish to an old woman waiting standing at her door and occasionally strolling back and forth up and down the street. The old woman seemed lonely, and I began to think about what her life looked like perhaps 30 years earlier. Her skin was rough and sun-damaged. I wondered if she had spent months tanning on the beach, longing to know that she was beautiful, striving to be affirmed by men. An older couple then slowly strolled by; their faces held little more than a frown as they seemed to be wandering with little purpose.

After a unloading a van full of boxes, I rested for a few minutes, seeing myself in their shoes. I have my strength, I have purpose, I have future. But how will I live that future? I can no longer overlook that I too will age, I too will leave this earth.

I want to ENJOY this life, but I don't want to hang onto it. I want to fully live in confidence, joy, full of life, experiencing every bit of love God has for me. I want to give all of His love back to everyone God places in my path. I would rather live 10 years of passion, love, life and joy than 40 years focused on desperately trying to preserve the diminishing threads of beauty in this life.

Somehow I see incredible beauty in living fearlessly, full of love no matter where God places me and my family. I am immortal and eternal; I can't be killed. But most likely one day my body will die. Do I want to strive preserving my fragile security that will fade in this life? Or will I let Jesus fully live within me, giving up fear and replacing restlessness with His love, peace, and rest. If I fear, I'm only taking from others. But if Christ's love is flowing though me, I can entrust my life, my wife, and my family into His care. And then the irony of it all is that only then am I truly able to provide and love my family.

I want to walk into new frontiers full of confidence, humility and love. Not a selfish fear of what I could lose. Somehow we truly live, we become lovers, dangerous to Satan, when we are already dead - when we see past this life into eternity. And perhaps it's only then that we can truly enjoy "this" life! Somehow I'm finally seeing real glimpses that a life of security in His deep love is far more enjoyable no matter what the circumstances than a life constrained by our own security fences.

Above image: The actual street I was waiting on.

This is I; Is This You?

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Stephanie read this to our class today, and it pierced my heart like someone was almost perfectly describing me, calling out my name. I feel like this resonates with the core of who God has made me to be. Does anyone else feel that way?

The pioneering spirit leads the adventurous through the wilderness. It beckons to the restless soul. The wanderer finds drive in the vision itself...in the unknown. Risk is not a word that indicates "caution"; instead it screams "you're heading in the right direction; come just a little closer". This apostolic spirit plows a way where there seems to be no way. It cuts straight through the mountain that lies in its path. It perseveres through the intense cold and biting wind. It stands strong when the locust strips away every remaining morsel. But the Spirit remains...

The spirit awoke my heart. Once a person's heart is stirred, there is no turning back. It's a dangerous place to live, but I would have it no other way. The call lies dormant in a shadow until it is time to be aroused. The heart drives a person, but the call sends them. The danger no longer lies in living at the edge of yourself, now it is found in the great beyond... It's no longer at your fingertips, but now fully dwells in Him alone.

From Go Pioneers!

Posted in South Africa '07 by Stephanie Fisk on 7/5/2007

Can You Kill Me?

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

I'm not asking if you will, but I'm asking if it's possible. Can you destroy my heart, or am I so well rooted in God's love that you can take my wife away, take my family away, take everything dear to my heart, and I will still walk in the confidence of God's love?

It's once again raining and cold here in Mijas. And being me, I took the opportunity to go running around the hills, getting thoroughly drenched. And after reaching the top of a hill, that question hit my heart. Am I truly broken? How deep does my well go? If my wife or I were thrown in prison, could you kill my heart? If you threatened to kill my family, would I still stand?

Summer and I live just twelve miles away and yet once again, we've been asked to limit our time together to just a few hours per week. The pain has been excrutiating this past week. I've felt angry, felt helpless. Can I trust that God is working through authority or do I rebel? Do I just give up and walk away from this relationship or can we hold this together? How much more of this can I take? Our relationship has already been through so many tests, does it ever end? Will we ever be able to just enjoy one another?

The other day Andrew Shearman told us we're not truly broken until the pain doesn't hurt anymore. And on top of the hill today, I realized I'm still not broken yet. And suddenly my heart was gripped with pain because I realize I'm still killable. Is there really a ton more pain ahead? Back in Colorado, God asked Summer to leave for an indefinite amount of time. It was only six days, but neither of us knew how long that time would be or if He would ask us to break apart our relationship. I had no control. And Summer knew that she couldn't go against what God was asking her. All I felt was helplessness, and I knew more brokenness was ahead that would eventually occur even when our fast from one another ended.

The other night, I went out on the roof to pour my heart out to God because of all of this; I was listening to the lies of the enemy as he was throwing doubt into what God has done to draw the two of us together, and I needed to hear from God Himself. I know almost instantly now when I need to turn to God. I'm blessed with the privilege to love Summer, yet I can't give to her unless I'm digging deep into the well of God's life.

All of this is causing me to reach into the heart of my creator in a way I never have before. And all of this is bringing more life to our relationship. It does seem counterintuitive. The more it feels like death to give up all that is dear to us to God, the more life we experience in Him. And I've realized I can't give up on my relationship with Summer even if I tried. God has forged a love between Summer and I that only He can tear apart. Our relationship can't deepen without Him, and yet it can only be destroyed by Him. And through our brokenness... the more that we give up control of trying to hold this relationship together, the more God seems to be showing us that no lie and no fear come close to threaten the bonds that He began creating in us over a year ago.

In theory I want to have an unkillable heart. But the deeper I go right now, I wonder if I'm willing to accept the calling that God may have for me. I'm questioning at times if I really want adventure anymore. But really there's nowhere I can move but forward. In the movie The Matrix, Neo discovers the truth about how disgusting and horrific the Matrix actually is, and he asks "Can I go back." Morpheus replies, "No. But if you could, would you really want to?"

There is no substitute for brokenness. And if God truly calls Summer and I to serve together for a lifetime, there is more wholeness needed that can only come through brokenness. My heart still needs to be cleansed and healed before I could truly ever give to a wife, especially with the amazing yet dangerous calling that God has placed upon my life and Summer's. Sometimes I feel trapped. Do I really want this calling anymore? Do I really want real adventure anymore? Is it possible to laugh and be full of joy in any circumstance?

There's no way out of the pain that still needs to come. But I'm already getting a glimpse into the resilience God is placing deep within my heart; a resilience that comes with knowing He is truly enough. A resilience that has nothing to do with walls, but rather a strength that will allow me to love without taking because I'm learning to drink deeply.

Above: Resilient wild apple blossoms in the Indian Himalaya

I'm Haunted by Death?

Sat, 9 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

After the World Race, Summer and I left Boston to prayerfully seek God over the next three weeks about continuing to pursue our relationship. Both her and I seperately had planned on being in Denver; even as very good friends we were excited about being able to see one another again if for nothing else to enjoy actually climbing in the mountains we both knew we loved to be in. Our friendship and love for one another already ran deep after having spent 7 months on the same team discovering our similar passions for sharing Jesus on new and potentially dangerous frontiers.

But with the excitement of being back in the mountains, we knew our time was short. God had been putting a heart for North Africa on her heart; and I knew that I really wanted to be discipled by the men at G42 before walking onto the frontier missions field. And after praying about our relationship, we both found out that our schools happened to be just 12 miles apart in Spain - not just in the same country, but a small bus ride away! But how did that affect us?

As I think of the future, I struggle with the idea of being both able to enjoy this life while knowing that it could end any time. What if God were to take my life or that of my wife or family? What if she develops cancer? What if I become imprisoned? What if my family is taken hostage for me sharing Jesus? That struggle haunts me; I want to know the secret of having joy in the midst of knowing how to deal with the potential of torn relationships or even just growing older.

Tonight as we were having dinner with our new family here in Mijas, I remembered once again that Summer and I chose to take every moment that God gave us in the short time we had in Denver. And that choice brought incredible life to our relationship! Our love for one another grew tremendously as we worked through struggles in our relationship and our walk with God. We learned to pray with one another in a way I've never prayed before. And I grew closer to God through the challenges we daily walked through. In short, we lived more life because we knew we only had three months in the mountains before the unknowns of where God was leading us next.

Perhaps that's part of the answer to my haunting. We have life only when we die. We can truly live life when we accept the risk to be loved by God because we aren't afraid to use what little time we have on this earth to freely give His Love ... and in return become full of life as a result. Not just experience life...but be life through and through!

Joy Instead of Sorrow in THIS LIFE

Thu, 7 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Overlooking the village of Mijas with the Mediterranean in the distance.

A few days ago, Summer and I were able to fly the trip from Michigan to Spain together as she prepares to train with YWAM, and I with G42. Our flight traveled over the beautiful frozen wilderness of Canada and the mountains of Greenland lit by the bright moon, and we saw an amazing sunrise over islands of Ireland shortly before landing in Germany. On our final flight into Spain, our plane turned to reveal beautiful snow-capped peaks and the Mediterranean just beyond as the sun dropped below the horizon. And now here in Mijas, the small village where I'm attending school, our community lives on the side of a mountain about 1000 feet above sea level overlooking the Mediterranean just north of Morocco. I'm blessed to be in such an amazing place to run, swim, and explore the mountains!

But as beautiful as this place is, the transition to Spain isn't easy. With Africa just to the south, I'm reminded why I'm here at G42. Spain seems very safe, yet the reality of where God soon may be calling me lies within reach. It's easy as a guy who has the desires of a warrior to dream about adventuring and taking Jesus to new frontiers when they are thousands of miles away. It seems exciting and amazing and incredible! Yet being this close to places where God could call me, I'm realizing the cost of what my desires and my calling could be.

Ultimately going to tough areas like Africa, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nepal, or India places the reality of persecution within reach to have the opportunity to share the life of Christ. The World Race was easy, but in the places I'm longing to go, people are killed and imprisoned today for sharing the Gospel. Could that happen to me? Am I willing to lay my life in the hands of my God, trusting Him with how long He wants me to be on this earth? Am I really willing to entrust my family to God enough to go to places that aren't easy ... so that others who otherwise may never hear about Jesus don't miss out on an eternity with our creator?

God has placed us on this earth to experience and share His life. Yet we see signs all around us that what we see is temporary. People age; suffering and hurt is everywhere. Ultimately, we all die! I don't want to desperately try and preserve and hang on to the diminishing threads of beauty in this life. Don't get me wrong - I really long to enjoy what God gives me today, and see God touch people with His healing. Yet I know that all we see is to be soon to be made new. We will be given a new heaven and a new earth. We will have new bodies that don't age. Pain and suffering won't exist! But how do I practically live that out today?

In Band of Brothers, a documentary sharing the story of Easy Company in World War II, an officer noted to a soldier struggling to engage the enemy, "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function."

I think Andrew Shearman, one of our teachers here at G42, said far more accurately at dinner tonight that life doesn't come until death. Am I willing to die? Pray that I see life the way Paul did - he saw real joy even in the midst of the temporary suffering we have in this short phase of our eternal lives. That's right...for those of us who know Jesus, life doesn't end! It starts now! I don't want to live a live of sorrow...but rather a courageous life...a life where I can be dangerous to our enemy because I see how amazing God's ultimate plan is! A life where we are willing to risk everything to bring the kingdom of God to our earth today! A life full of joy because I get to see what God is bringing to all those that choose relationship with Him!

I don't want to hold on to what is temporary; I want to be filled with joy and life right now because I see what's coming! A few years ago, John Eldredge brought new light to me in the verse John 3:36 where it says, "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life." I used to think eternal life only meant life when we get to heaven. But is it not possible that means life NOW too! I'm done with fear, done with sorrow, and done with trying to hold on to something that God will soon make new! Churches in Africa are surrounded by poverty and death and yet still continue to dance in joy! I wanna do that too!

You Were Made to Risk

Mon, 4 Jan 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Summer overlooking the challenging route up Crestone Needle in Colorado

Over Thanksgiving on our way to Minnesota, Summer and I stopped by The International House of Prayer. And one of the songs that deeply resonated with me sang, "I wanna trust in you so much that if you don't come through, I fail."

Life isn't to be easy. I think we were meant to experience risk so great that we don't have any way through where God is leading us. We were meant to die to ourselves to live this life as if it could end at any time. All great epics seem to have a point where there is no hope; we feel that despair is the only option. At the end of the Battle of Helms Deep in the Lord of the Rings - Two Towers, Theodin and Aragorn make their last stand and face certain death against an army of thousands of Orks. And in that moment as they choose courage knowing they have little time on earth left, Gandalf the White arrives just in time as promised with an army to defeat the enemy destined to destroy humanity.

Movies like these resonate within us, but we must live out these desires in this life! The adventure of these epics can be our own lives if we're willing to move beyond the comfort of our living room and live real life, yeah?

All around us we are inundated by "guaranteed" paths to success. If we only find our security in a good-paying career, get all the right insurance, worry about retirement, then we might avoid the pitfalls of poverty. But should poverty of money be our biggest concern? Or rather poverty of our hearts? Is it possible that our stress often comes from the meaningless pursuit of trying to achieve our standard of living most of the world will never see? Or do we want to risk the God-given desires of our hearts at the expense of failing because we can't to it...only God can?

I long to share Jesus in countries, trekking through mountains where roads don't run, perhaps flying into places to bring His life to places where it's never been brought before. But with the deep desire for adventure comes loneliness and insecurity in my own strength and those around me. There is no comfort if I choose to rely on myself...even my friends. But if our strength and security is in my God, I can pass through borders. With His love, religious and cultural barriers, hate, and oppression can be broken down. There is no defined path to the desires that God is giving me. Will I choose comfort...or risk something where God must come through or I fail?

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat."

- Theodore Roosevelt

Easy is Boring!

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Briefly enjoying the sunset on the saddle of Crestone Needle (Colorado) before beginning the cold 4-hour descent in the dark

It seems like so often that we define maturity as being more stable, more careful. We're supposed to be adventurous when we're young, and become more serious and "responsible" when we grow older. But the older I get, the more I want to be alive. I want to jump and dance more. I want to lose myself in joy, the joy that comes from brokenness and deep love with God. And I want the challenges and risks to grow greater because I trust in God more - and want to see God do things that are impossible for me.

Two weeks ago, Chris and I spent two days skiing the early season in Colorado at Keystone and Breckenridge before driving to Michigan to spend time with family over Christmas. And it was amazing to take advantage of the little winter skiing I'll get this season before heading to Spain. But I think all I needed was two days...

Summer and I along with Chris, Ryan, and Aaron have spent the last three months we've had in the United States often enjoying hiking and climbing in the backcountry of the Rockies, trying Class 3 and Class 4 ascents in the plummeting winter temperatures, deepening snowpack and the few hours of daylight available. Using our limited light resources, we soon ended up making sure the most challenging parts of our routes were complete before the sun went down. But much of our time was spent hiking in the darkness, often running through the woods by compass or reading the terrain without a trail, navigating snow that would continually range from just a few inches to over four feet deep.

We only succeeded at two winter ascents out of five, most of the time turning back about 1000 feet below our summits. And although our failure rate was discouraging, I wouldn't have wanted to try anything else. My leadership skills were tried and developed, and we saw some of the most beautiful and rugged scenery on the edges of cliffs and cornices, often watching sunsets signalling the beginning of our long nights in the woods ahead. I realized that after skiing for two days at developed ski resorts that I want something far more challenging and risky. Five years ago, I thought mountain skiing was my challenge. But now I just want to ski up and down undeveloped mountains. I've been engrossed in studying avalanche mechanics and dangers. My hearts longs for the danger, the challenge, the smell of uncertainty. I don't want trails; I want relationships and challenges that don't have easy answers.

A few weeks ago while attempting Longs Peak, Summer and I didn't see anybody from the time we started at 7 in the morning until we ended after 8 at night. The wind howled and froze our drinking water. Our hands were frozen. We became weary constantly removing and donning our snowshoes. And we were very disheartened at not making our summit by our turn around time. I eventually grew anxious after losing our position in the woods, trying to navigate through downed trees, darkness, and snow for miles while trying to find the trail that would signal just a few remaining miles. But we tried something that most people never will - attempting a non-standard route up and down Longs Peak in the winter.

While Chris and I were skiing, a few runs above the treeline finally opened. We skiied down hard, wind-blown snow that was a few feet deep in some places and completely bare in others. We skiied over brush, through trees, and around rocks through thick powder in some spots and exposed grass in others in blinding snow with wind burning our faces and ears. And although the skiing wasn't groomed or even often visible, it was perfect - because the path was rugged and undefined.

Perhaps as we get older, we often forget our dreams, become more reserved and even bitter because we haven't been willing to risk trying and placing our dreams and desires that God has placed on our hearts from the beginning of creation fully in His hands. We say we're supposed to 'be responsible' as we live in the illusion that we are in control. Yet in reality, we are not in control; God is. And when we learn that He truly is good and that we can release all of our desires and burdens to him, then we can truly bring His life and love freely to others.

In reality, I think I'm realizing that these perhaps may be some of the characteristics of maturity that perhaps only come when we discover the freedom of security in the deep love of our creator:

- Undignified (read about David!)
- Joyful
- Playful
- Affectionate
- Risky
- Daring
- Loving
- Appreciative
- Adventurous
- Open
- Honest
- Care Free
- Full of Life

Center: Chris Edlund warming his cold feet in the bitter cold before the long climb down

Lower Right: Summer at peace after praising God while hunting for our trail

How Do I Embrace Pain?

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Neo: What is the Matrix?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

- "What is The Matrix"

The last few days I've once again been in pain. I'm longing, my heart is desperate for SOMETHING, and I don't always understand what's going on. I think God's excavating once again...He is stirring within. Digging deeper within my heart. And it HURTS!

Times like this I used to hate nights. Somehow when everything is quiet, when there's nothing to distract me, my heart comes alive. And that life isn't always easy. The desires that God gives me are exposed once again, and I discover I'm not satisfied. Doubts of my heart become unearthed.

I remember three years ago around Christmas, this happened at my parents place. And all I felt I could do was deaden the pain. I'd turn on the TV to try to pass the time until I'd finally fall asleep because of exhaustion. Or I'd stay up at night browsing the computer, reading the news or searching for anything that either allowed me to ignore the gnawing of my heart or that maybe could answer it.

The trouble is nothing can answer that desire. Anything I find through the media all around me only creates more of a desperation. People around say they have the answers. We have self-help books, CNN articles about dating and sexuality, pornography. But any answer that doesn't lead me directly to listening to the living voice of my God only confuses me ...and creates a greater desperation.

I'm desperate for an answer. I'm always hunting for people that listen to God that I can glean anything from. I've pored over books from John Eldredge, John Piper and Mike Bickle, seeing if they have the answers. I've asked people at church, putting tons of pressure on others, hoping they understand what's going on inside of me. But most of the time, I get either just advice ...and often from people that are wise, I get nothing. Maybe because God doesn't want me to have an answer, He wants me to have Him.

This Christmas is different. The pain isn't going away. But I no longer care about TV. And yeah, sometimes I turn to the internet. But I'm gaining the patience to just wait ...to embrace the pain and wait for God to answer. In whatever way He wants. It's not easy, and I'm not perfect at all. But I don't want ANYTHING to fill the relationship He's drawing me into. Not the internet, food, TV, relationships, or music.

There is NO replacement for the voice of our living God. He isn't dead; He still speaks. There's no book, no formula, no discipline, no relationship, no solution that can take the gnawing away. My heart longs to communicate with God on a much deeper level than just speaking words. Deeper than English. I feel like there's nothing I can DO that's working. I don't get how this works. But I hope that I can be patient enough to find out. I need to see where this goes...

"You won't relent until you have it all

My heart is yours

You won't relent until you have it all

My heart is yours

I'll set you as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

Many waters cannot quench this love"

- Relentless

Deserted Beauty

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Preparing to climb the Crestone Needle in Colorado this Fall

Last night I stared alone in the dark at a time clock that I finally installed on the wall for a company here in Michigan. To most people it'll probably be an icon of the slavery of an hourly job; but to me, it was an icon representing a short, yet amazing era of the last three months. This project has been a small part of my life in Denver, Colorado. A city that has finally regained her glory in my heart.

Five years ago, I stumbled into Golden, Colorado as a last resort. I was running away from life. I felt like I was a failure at college. And I'd broken my contract with Air Force ROTC two years earlier after feeling like I was of no worth to either the Air Force... or to society at that. I'd left an amazing community of people at Michigan Tech to jump head on into the pressures of an Information Technology consulting job in the hyper-materialistic culture of the United States. And just a year later, I would run away from that job in Denver to head to Yellowstone where my love for mountaineering would deepen, and I could be away from the pressures of success, money, cell-phones, and BlackBerries.

Yet I'm now learning that there is beauty everywhere. God hasn't neglected the desert of Colorado, Wyoming, or Montana; He has created a beauty here that has a glory no less than anywhere else. There is no perfect place; beauty everywhere has a unique and amazing profoundness.

When I arrived in Colorado five years ago, I hated the arid landscape. I spent all of my time in the mountains looking for any stream, any lake, or any green meadow. But now I miss sagebrush and antelope. I miss the open prairies that run for hundreds of miles revealing the mountains in the distance or the ponderosa pine that grows next to cactus in the arid foothills on the Front Range. Years ago I detested the barrenness of the Rockies. Yet now no longer do I simply tolerate that barrenness, but I've now come to discover what I thought was barrenness is full of beauty that's full of life, and I've come to love it. The aridity of the West is no longer is death, but brings life to me; I ache for that beauty. The Rockies from Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado are wild and freeing to my heart. They're risky and uncomfortable and not always immediately ready to quench my thirst. But they're an amazing place for someone longing to risk, longing to see God come through when nothing else will. If you look hard you can find some of the greenest meadows and most beautiful wildflowers. I've seen countless elk, moose, coyotes, bears, deer, bighorn sheep, antelope, bison, mountain goats, and even a wolf. And in the winter time, the Rockies hold some of the deepest snows east of the Pacific coastal ranges. The beauty I once wanted nothing to do with I now see as essential to my heart. The beauty I once overlooked now feels like home to my heart more than any other place in the United States!

We often overlook and define beauty. But is it possible that every bit of beauty that God has created both in people and all of creation is essential? Is it truly possible that contrary to CNN or TV or popular culture that no person and no creature has missed out on God's glory? Perhaps we should be careful the next time we call someone or some part of His creation ugly or less beautiful? Because we all need that uniqueness of every part of God's creation! Is it possible that we need all of the beauty found in His creation; is it possible that every person was created in fully in His image?

These last three months back in Colorado during my short time in the United States have been challenging, perhaps just as much as on the World Race. And yet they'll be some of the most memorable as well. I'm grieving Denver... I never thought I'd say that.

Nate - thanks so much for showing me your heart to love others. I've seen God living within you in a way that I never knew He did! Davee - I know we didn't hang out as much as I wanted to. But I know that God is continuing to work in you and it's encouraging to see! Chris - you've given to me so much. And it's so refreshing to see your heart continue to seek God above else wherever he as you...in the Air Force and beyond! Liz - thanks for your AWESOME hospitality and for being willing to listen so well. Kevin and Jen, Jim and Michaela, Ken and Jamie - thanks so much for sharing your lives and your homes and for your encouragement!

And Summer - I've never had a friendship like ours before - never have I had a relationship with so much meaning and depth and honesty. And I don't ever think I've been challenged by someone so much willing to love me. All the way through Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, North Dakota, and Minnesota. I don't think I'll ever forget the last three months with you!

Scouting out a hiking location early this winter in the Gore Range of Colorado

Center Picture: November frost and snow in the Gore Range

Pain is Beautiful, Right? (Part Two)

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Summer flexing on the summit of Mt. Powell in Colorado!

Summer is one of the most amazing women I've ever met. Her heart's longing is for Jesus above anyone and all else. She loves others with a love I've never seen before. She wants to hike in the Himalaya, explore the mountains of South America, and gaze at the beauty of Alaska. She longs to share the love of Jesus in remote, impoverished places that many people have never heard of before. For almost seven months on the World Race, she saw all of my hurts, my sin, and my joy and yet still saw through all of my ugliness to the person who Jesus is revealing me to be. She daily dealt with the excruciating pain of falling in love with me without knowing how I felt in return for almost all of the World Race. And yet still chose to love me and the rest of our team relentlessly through it all. She chooses to trust my decisions to obey God, even when they seem crazy. And she is full of amazing grace in our relationship.

The past few days have once again felt like the hardest death of our friendship I've ever experienced. Like someone's life flashing before their eyes when facing death, scenes of some of the tough yet amazing times have been flashing through my mind being faced with what seems like another potential death of our relationship. Memories over the past month and a half of climbing in Colorado, Montana, and Wyoming, memories of driving through snowstorms to see friends, memories of making and sharing dinner together, or just walking miles through the falling snow trying to find a coffee shop to get some work done here in Denver...all break my heart. Memories of running through the gray and bleak of Ukraine or hiking in the Himalaya of India. Memories of sharing Jesus in Croatia or swimming miles through the Adriatic Sea. Memories of running through the hills and forests of Romania while sharing the love of Jesus with people along the way.

For now, God has asked Summer to be away from me. She's left to seek God, and I don't know where she is nor when I'll see or talk to her again. Yet I trust that God will continue to care for her better than I can. I don't know what He will ask of her, or what He will ask of me. I am at times in what feels like unbelievable pain knowing that she is sharing an amazing time somewhere in the beauty of God's creation with God Himself, and I can't be there to share that. Yet I'm trying to take that pain to my God as I know that she is being transformed in a way that I can't be a part of. I leave for Spain in less that eight weeks and I don't know whether she will be there...or if we'll even be able to hang out. A week ago I was excited to book my flight to Spain, and yet the other night I just felt lonely watching a Lufthansa flight taxi towards a takeoff to Frankfurt at the airport in Denver.

Yet this is God's perfect timing to once again draw me into Him. He foresaw everything! The two of us in Colorado at the same time, both of us excited to possibly be in Spain at the same time while pursuing opportunities that God has placed on our hearts. Even if this season between us is over, God has used this friendship to transform both of us in a way we never could have planned.

Aaron Stanski, one of my amazing friends from college flew in from Chicago this past weekend, and we enjoyed attempting a winter ascent of one of Colorado's tougher 14,000 foot peaks. We eventually turned back 1000 feet from the top to avoid a potentially hazardous avalanche-prone route and yet loved being in the harsh beauty of a winter wonderland forming around us. More amazing to me than the peak, though, was how God worked once again in my heart our first night as I walked out alone to stare at the stars and simply enjoy His presence. I took my loneliness to God in a way I never could before. He drew me into Him, erasing the knawing loneliness of my heart with Him in a way I've never experienced before. And for the rest of the night, I was in awe; all of my fear and pain had been taken away.

The past four days, I've been able to sing. I've loved spending time in the presence of God through music for hours like I've never experienced before. My loneliness is forcing me into a depth with God that I continue to ache for, and yet rarely would choose ... or maybe never could choose without the pain that often comes with transformation. My loneliness right now sometimes looks like a cold dark chasm, like a deep crevasse hundreds of feet deep into menacing, dark ice. And yet God's giving me the opportunity to see a depth of intimacy with Him that perhaps I've never seen before by taking this loneliness to Him rather than trying to fill it with anyone else. Perhaps God exposes more and more of the pain left by the void without Him so we are increasingly drawn to see the true love only offered by Him. This pain hurts, yet I know that it needs to happen. God is doing something right now in each of our lives that I don't fully understand yet, but that I know is essential.

And between Summer and I -- our relationship only works if it dies to God. What both of us long for can't happen in our own strength. We desire to serve God first; and if we are to be together, God must draw us there. And if not, our awesome God has something more amazing planned than the two of us can see. Ultimately Jesus is Summer's husband. And if I get to have the opportunity to share caring for her heart here on earth with Jesus, I get to continually...and ultimately give her over to Jesus for an eternity when my time on this earth is over.

"You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one"

-- Misty Edwards to Jesus

Colorado Aspen this Autumn

Center: Summer flying down the Tetons on showshoes!

Pain is Beautiful, Right? (Part One)

Sun, 8 Nov 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Summer and I enjoying a sunset after descending a peak in Colorado's Gore Range before the long hike back in the dark.

Pain and struggle draw me to write; perhaps because during those times God is changing me.

And the past few days have been some of the most excruciatingly painful I've felt in months if not years. The kind of pain that feels like it has no end, that only leads to despair. And yet that pain is only because of the wonder of what God has done, and the beauty of what He is doing.

Over the past year and a half God has protected and and brought life to one of the most incredible friendships I've ever experienced. And whatever happens, I want to share the story of what God has created. Neither of the two of us have shared much with anyone except with our closest friends until I've written this; we don't know how to label the depth of what we never foresaw. And yet I don't ever want the opportunity to declare what I've seen to go by.

Summer and I met while training for the World Race in Georgia. And the first significant memory I have came two months later, as I jumped over to the free window seat next to her just before our aircraft pushed away from the gate at two in the morning for our flight from Los Angelos to Hong Kong. For fifteen hours we stayed awake, me sharing all of the details of how the 747 worked, and the two of us enjoying movies and one another's company while she laughed and smiled non-stop until we hit the runway. That laugh would eventually cause my heart to ache more and more as I unknowingly began to love her from the first day we were put on the same team four months later into the race. And finally two and a half months before the race ended, I realized that I'd fallen for her, and the the looming end to our deepening our friendship once we returned to the United States seemed unbearable.

There were so many opportunities for both of us to run away from our friendship over the past year and a half. I think had either of us known that other people saw us as a "couple" even during the very beginning of the race, our friendship would never have flourished. Yet neither of us knew of all the chatter going on amongst other people on our squad until days before flying home. And we never foresaw or had any hope that what we had could ever become anything more than a simple friendship. Yet we increasingly encouraged each other in our burning desire to share Jesus in remote and closed countries, realizing that the desires that God placed in our hearts were created for a purpose. She encouraged me to see the Holy Spirit in a way I never saw before, and to go to a depth with Jesus I was longing before but never actually saw anyone try to live or heard anyone describe. We were able to speak into one another's lives what God was showing us about each other. All within the bounds of what I thought would never go beyond simply appreciating somone to enjoy life with on the World Race.

After hailing a goodbye to the rest of the squad after arriving back into the United States at the end of our 11-month journey sharing Jesus around the world, Summer and I spent one of the most amazing times in prayer for one another until we said goodbye at three in the morning on the Boston airport parking deck. We parted ways to see our families while unsure of where to go with our friendship, wanting God to direct our steps. And yet just three weeks later we both arrived in Denver because she was visiting a friend and I was staying with my family for an extra week while my Dad attended a conference.

Summer and I have both chosen to stay in Denver to see if God will continue to deepen our friendship. During our time, she has applied to YWAM to train for sharing Jesus with Muslims in Africa, and I've been accepted into G42 Leadership School. Amazingly, while both of us had been looking at these two seperate schools for months, we found out they were just twelve miles from each other in southern Spain!

The past month and a half haven't been easy out here in Colorado. Our friendship has never been easy, and has been under continued pressure and seeming scrutiny of others. Yet once again God is changing us. I've been learning what love really looks like in a whole new way. And I think she is challenged to trust and have courage in God through my wildness. Both of us are learning what endurance and patience are in the midst of uncertainties beyond our control. Because ultimately we want to love God more than one another. True love is hard, but it's awesome! I don't think I've ever had a friendship like this before, a friendship with a love and a depth like I've never experienced, where no label we can think of describes the glory of what God has created...

Brokenness and Obedience Really are Good

Sat, 7 Nov 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Gazing into the Tetons a few weeks ago

You ever meet somebody or go back to a place and once again remember how much it stirs your heart and makes you feel alive inside? That's often mountaineering for me. I love gazing into the Tetons from the valley below when a storm is dumping snow onto these rugged faces that have never stopped haunting and alluring me.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about a trip Summer and I took through Wyoming and Montana, once again stirring in me deep excitement and desire while gazing into the wildness, the fury, and the beauty of the mountains. I wanted to be absorbed into their power, to disappear into the peaks that would occassionally unveil themselves from the storms for just a small and almost seductive glimpse before hiding once again. We had the amazing opportunity to do some snowshoeing in both the Absarokas of Montana and the Tetons in Wyoming as we drove through to meet with friends and "borrow" a few of my belongings from my storage locker in Bozeman.

And yet during the entire time, I knew that God was guiding me; guiding me to move on from the Tetons even though I wanted to stay longer, guiding me not to head into the Wind River wilderness even though I've been studying some of the peaks in the range for over two years, and it's been over a decade since I've last stepped foot there. Even before we departed from Colorado for our trip, I felt like God asked me to return a winter jacket that I'd purchased to summit peaks out here in the Rockies.

There were several points during that week that distaste, frustration, even rebellion against God wanted to rise up within me. Is that you God? Why? Do you know what you are asking? How can I trust you? How can I trust that this is now your voice -- are you just allowing me to be confused again? How can I discern your voice from the enemy's?

And yet God is guiding me, asking me to look to Him and not my struggles with discerning His voice in the past. Paul says in Romans 7:22, "For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." Am I willing to kneel before Him, raise my hands in worship, or sing what my heart longs to express, despite how I look? Am I willing to sacrifice doing what I feel like doing, am I willing to lead others in obedience and through challenges even when I stand to be rejected? Am I willing to be obedient in ways that seem small and insignificant right now to trust that I will ultimately delight in what God is asking me to do?

As I look forward to heading to Spain in less than two months, training isn't on pause; character building hasn't stopped. As I prepare for more training at G42 for a lifelong commitment to share His love with others, I'm realizing that the time I have until then is just as critical. And the preparation that is most important is also the hardest; God still is breaking and changing my character even during this time of "rest."

For the past few years, the idea of hearing God's voice has been a struggle that's frustrated me...I've sometimes chosen to act on what I've believed has been from Him...and other times have buried what I've thought to be His voice, running away in fear that I'm not getting His voice right, that what I feel in my heart or conscience is wrong, or that I can't discern His voice from the enemy. Others I've talked to in my struggle have discouraged me from trying to hear from our living God, bringing up stories they've heard of people getting that voice wrong, setting them on an unwise path to ultimately crash and burn...saying that God doesn't intend for us to hear His voice in this age anymore.

And yet increasingly, both my desire deep down to hear...to listen to God and not just speak to Him doesn't go away. And my increasing conviction that burying His voice and making excuses, although it seems safe, is being disobedient. And I think God is once again bringing me to the place of taking the risk to act on what very well may be God. I'm scared that I'll get Him wrong...and maybe even sometimes more scared that He will ask me to make sacrifices in that obedience that I don't want to make. And yet at the same time I'm learning even more deeply that obedience when nothing makes sense is still Him loving us, and is far more secure than finding our own way.

Often God allows us to make our own decisions because as we are transformed, we reflect Him and bring life and good as we choose to act. Yet at other times God sees things that we don't...and I think He wants us to trust in Him, listening to His tender voice guiding us one step left or one step right at just the right timing. That kind of obedience is hard; we want to be independent, we don't always see the good in changing our expectations or following an path unknown to us. Yet perhaps the most secure, most amazing path is flying a new route through the clouds we...and perhaps noone around us has ever flown. Dying to ourselves, dying to our expectations is the way to arrive at where our heart longs to be - right in the center of His perfect love and security.

Center Picture: Summer Snowshoeing in the Tetons at Ampitheater Lake
Lower Picture: Gros Venture Range at Sunset (Wyoming)

Looking Forward

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Snow blanketing the Bridgers last week

I returned to Colorado a few days ago after taking a roadtrip with Summer, one of my teammates from the World Race, through Wyoming and Montana while visiting amazing friends along the way. Winter hit last week, blanketing the Northern Rockies with a fresh coat of snow on the plains and dumping snow in the mountains while pushing temperatures into the single digits. Heading up through Montana only to leave a few days later was really tough; this place seems like home to me more than anywhere else. And yet for now I think God has me in Colorado as I look forward to preparing for more discipleship and character building with leaders and coaches from Adventures in Missions, the organization that runs the World Race.

I've recently been accepted into the G42 Leadership Academy in Spain, a school that puts me under more amazing men of God that long to show us more of the heart of God and push us to continue to lead in sharing God throughout the nations. G42 has been on my heart for almost a year now, and God continues to give me a heart for sharing Him in ways I don't completely understand yet. My heart burns to share Him in both the United States and in developing nations around the world; I want people to see His life, love, and truth! And I'm now taking another step of faith that being a part of this school for the next six months is more of the preparation the Lord has for me in this quest to share Him.

I'm beginning the support raising process once again for the Winter Term which begins this January. If you could be praying and considering supporting me once again, that would be amazing! I'll be raising around $7000 for the six months, trusting that God will once again provide in His timing and ways!

If you do want to support me financially, head to http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/donate and click on "Intern Support" where you can enter credit card or bank information first, and then my name during the second step. This is an entirely different account than for the World Race, so please don't go through the same website or mailing address as you may have used for the World Race; all funds send to the World Race account can't be transfered to the school.

Thanks so much for all of you who continue to listen, provide encouragement, and have and continue to provide financial support. I'll be posting more information about the school here soon...and what God is continuing to do!

- Joel

Why Michelle Would Die for South Africa

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Before I left for the World Race, I was desperate for people to talk about and write about the heart that God was already giving me. There have been many people that God put in my path and authors that I read that God used to encourage me; people that expressed in words what I was desperate to hear. I wish I could share all of those with you.

Unfortunately I can't put all of that here in a blog, but I do want to share this with you. I found the following letter written by a missionary in the country of South Africa. And her heart, her dedication to God astounded me! How amazing it was to hear someone in real life apply the truths in the Bible to her family in a way that I believe deep down many of us want to have the freedom to do as well but are afraid to let go and trust the Lord this deeply. I'm not judging anyone; rather I hope this gives freedom! A freedom that I was looking for; a freedom that I still need to be reminded of every once and a while in the midst of a culture that tells us we must limit our faith in the one who loves us the most.

--Joel

Note: The highlighting below is from my personal notetaking.

Why I Would Die for South Africa
by Michelle Cantrell
November 2007

The nation of South Africa is located at the southernmost tip of Africa

South Africa has the best rugby side in the world, the famous Big Five, fabulous weather, beautiful cities and friendly people. But it also has its darker side. It is dangerous to live in South Africa. Crime is rampant. We have the most liberal constitution in the world. We live in fear of an economic collapse like Zimbabwe's. We see all the benefits of this country-- including family ties and a rich history, but is it enough to keep us here? Why risk the safety of our family? Why gamble with the future university choices and career options of our children? Why stay?

Why Stay?

We stay because Jesus calls us to love our neighbour as ourselves. We stay because we are not here by accident and we have hope that the gospel can transform South Africa. We stay because we are convinced that a legacy of self-sacrifice and pure devotion to Christ on the front lines is the best gift we can give to our children. We stay because we are willing to die to see the gospel advance in this strategic country.

In South Africa we have more opportunities to fulfill the second greatest commandment than in any first world country. The poor are all around us, on our street corners, working in our gardens and in our kitchens. The hospitals are spilling over with AIDS sufferers and orphans. James tells us that pure and undefiled religion is to care for the orphan and widow in their distress. The poor, the orphan and the widow cannot afford to leave South Africa. They can't even afford security fences and armed response. Who will stay and fight for justice for them? "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8).

Can We Make a Difference?
If we stay, can we make a difference? Think of what a difference William Wilberforce made as he persevered against all odds for 40 years in the British Parliament to see slavery abolished. We can make a difference. We can adopt the orphans. We can care for widows. We can develop residents associations that fight crime (ours has seen a 100% drop in crime in the past 2 years). We can educate the young so that they will vote with a Christian world view. We can thus impact politics, crime prevention and every field of service. We can care for our aging parents, the AIDS sufferers, and the poor. The possibilities for works of mercy and justice are endless. This isn't an optional elective for Christians. It is our life to be "zealous for good deeds" (Titus 2:14).

I could faithfully serve Christ and the gospel in another country. But I wouldn't expect to reap the same amount of fruit as in a desperate place like Africa: "God chose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him." (James 2:5). People here see their need for the Great Physician. People are suffering. We have the cure that they are asking for. The gospel (a biblical world view) is the ultimate cure for AIDS and poverty and crime. In more western countries, people are deceptively self-sufficient and hardened to the gospel. Why not stay where the harvest is ripe and the workers are few?

The Task is Unfinished
Our Christian forefathers gave their lives to reach South Africa with the gospel, with great results. Over 70% of the population claim to be Christian. But the job is not done. Have believers been truly discipled? Do they understand God's plan for the church, for the home, for integrity in the work place, the role of government, use of finances? They are hungry for the truth of God's Word. We have the chance to give it to them, through thriving local churches, church planting, radio ministry, schools, and countless other ministries of truth and mercy. The gospel can truly transform this country when Christians are taught to obey all that Christ commanded (Matt. 28:18-20).

Pastors and missionaries will never change a nation on their own. This only happens through grassroots godliness: model Christian homes with godly husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, and faithful children; and godly business people who are salt and light in their workplaces, who serve in the church, and who finance ministry.

What About Our Children?
But what about our children? Isn't their safety and future success more important than our fruitfulness or fulfillment? Yes, our children are our first and foremost disciples. Their safety is our responsibility. But their souls are our biggest concern. Do we want to teach them to run away from trouble or to run to the battle? Do we want to teach them that life is all about how much stuff you can accumulate and how comfortable you can be, or that life is about serving others, building Christ's church, and giving up your life to find it? "For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul? (Mk 8:34-36).

I want my children to follow the examples of people like Jim Elliot who said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." As I think of protecting my children, I need to remember that there are other dangers beside physical ones. I would rather that they lose their lives than their souls. As they follow God and seek first His kingdom, He will provide for their needs (Matt. 6:33, Mark 10:29-31, Phil. 4:19). If they have a strong Christian character and work ethic they will not usually have trouble providing for their family wherever they live (Proverbs 10:4). I choose to stay because I don't want to rob myself or my children of crowns that they can lay at the feet of our risen Lord.

Are We Testing God?
Am I putting God to the test by staying here? When Satan tempted Jesus to throw Himself off the temple and let the angels catch Him, Jesus refused to put God to the test.

If I do something foolish that requires a miracle from God to save me, then I am testing God. Or on the other hand, if I complain about the circumstances that God has put me in and demand that he deliver me, I am also testing God like the Israelites when they demanded water (Deut. 6:16, Ex. 17:1-7). But if I joyfully carry out my duties in the land God has put me in, cultivating the ground, fighting the thorns and thistles, trusting Him to care for my family, even having to turn down amazing offers to go elsewhere, I am not testing God; I am trusting Him.

So much of God's Word encourages us to trust Him and persevere in the midst of trouble and corruption. For example, Psalm 37 is packed with such counsel:

Do not fret because of evildoers, be not envious toward wrongdoers. For they will wither quickly like the grass, and fade like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it... ....For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land... Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright; for the man of peace will have a posterity. But transgressors will be altogether destroyed; the posterity of the wicked will be cut off. But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble. And the Lord helps them, and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked, and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.

(Psalm 37).

There is much work to be done here. So we believe that God wants us to take refuge in Him while we stay here, not to take refuge in a safer country.

Where Are You Called?
We stay because we are called to South Africa. When you are called, no promise of greater security or comfort can lure you away. You are free to enjoy all the beauties of South Africa without constantly wondering if it is time to abandon ship. How do we know that we are called to South Africa? Because this is the place where we can be most useful in God's harvest field. This is the place where our talents can best be multiplied for the Master until He returns (Matt. 25). This is the place where we find the greater blessing of giving rather than receiving (Acts 20:35). This is the place where we can raise our children to be true self-denying Christ-followers. Unless He calls us somewhere more difficult, this is where we will stay--to live and even die for South Africa. Where are you called to die?

The Wonder of Weakness

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Everyone washes clothes at the orphanage!

"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified."

- 1^st Corinthians 2:1,2

Many Americans, especially guys like me who haven't been through enough brokenness yet, are often very good at entering third world countries assuming we've got more to share than to learn. And what's even tougher, the same temptation will be there as we re-enter the United States in two weeks. God's introduced my heart so much this year that many people in the Western World don't understand. But if I really want to love people, if I really want to have an impact, I've gotta learn that I really don't know anything more than anyone else does; or at least what I do know really isn't that valuable outside of love. I've got nothing to offer except love - in weakness, humility, and brokenness. Often, I won't have anything useful to offer until I learn what the people I might be able to share with have to teach me first. I think many times, if we are doing what we're supposed to be doing, we will feel like we're learning more than we're sharing.

This year I've met pastors in Africa and Mexico who deeply understand things that God is just beginning to teach me in my heart. The Bible isn't just something they've read and taught from - they deeply "get it." Because they've been through hurt, they've been through circumstances I can't even begin to understand yet, and so they've seen intimacy and love from God in ways I long to know. And often, I'm coming in simply ready to absorb the love that they have.

And so here in Nicaragua, I'm finally starting to enjoy being humbled. I'm kind of OK with it. But I also realize that as I want to continue sharing Jesus overseas and in the United States, I'm gonna have to learn that the process of being broken and being humbled is going to be an everyday reality. Part of a song I've often sung and am beginning to really appreciate goes like this -

Brokenness, brokenness, it's what I long for
Brokenness, it's what I need
Brokenness, brokenness, it's what you want from me

Brokenness is hard; it stings. But it also brings so much freedom! Here in Nicaragua, we're continuing construction, continuing to wash dishes, continuing to learn Spanish, continuing to learn to love the kids here at the orphanage. But more than anything, I'm simply becoming part of their family. And when that happens, we can all share with one another - we can share the gifts that the Holy Spirit is slowly revealing to us, and learn to freely share the love of God with one another. People don't really long for an outside consultant; they long for family!

Today, I was honestly feeling frustrated at everything. Feeling like I couldn't do anything right once again as we were building another wall, feeling like apparently I can't listen to God right; what I hear isn't from God or isn't good enough. Feeling like, "what's the point of even trying?" And then as I'd try to get anything done, at least 10 kids from the orphanage wanted my attention - wanted me to throw them in the air once again, or ride them around in the wheelbarrow one more time. And I just wanted to work; really I just wanted to hide. Yet really, building a building isn't that important. The developed regions of the world already have plenty of buildings! But we're still desperate for love as we work hard to build up our world of plastic, numbing our hearts to the one thing we really want to do - and that is love.

Most of the time, I pick up on new tasks very quickly, and it's a way that I can relate to other people. And so I get the privilege of being able to work because it gives me an "in"; working gives me a set of keys to start building relationships so that I immediately begin to show love through brokenness. Here in Central America, I get to practice the small amount of Spanish I know because it shows the people around me that I really want to try, in my imperfection, to build a relationship with them, even though I feel stupid because I know I'm making mistakes in my grammar and pronunciation. Yet I think God's love is best shown through weakness; they know I'm not perfect at my Spanish yet ... but me choosing to allow them to see my weakness reveals that desire to love. And maybe I'll get the opportunity to share with words what God has taught me once they already see it in me.

I wonder if it's not the times that seem the hardest, the times that seem the toughest, the times that we feel the weakest that we're often the most effective. Maybe when we feel like we are wading through mud, when we we see all of our mistakes all over the place, when we feel like we're acting out of anything but love, when we feel like we're doing everything wrong - maybe when we choose to love with what little we have anyway is when we're really having the most impact. Maybe it's time that I get used to being confident in feeling weak in my own abilities so that God can shine finally through me!

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are true. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'"

- 1 Corinthians 1:25-30

Sunset from our backyard this month -- Taken by Summer

Center picture: Playing with the kids at the church

I Wanna Go Back to Africa

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Sunrise in Kenya before hiking down to the valley below to our Maasai friends for breakfast.

Just over ten months ago, we left the comfort of our Cathay Pacific flight from Hong Kong to the Philippines. We entered the blast of heat and humidity, the chaos, the sea of people, many of who knew little of what it was to have more than a light bulb or maybe a small television in their house. After 17 hours of flying across the Pacific, we entered a new world totally foreign to us, we transitioned from first-world United States to a level of poverty, a way of life that was shocking. Then the smell of urine, the oppression of communism and a life of hiding because of shame, the air full of thick pollution from the nation of China trying to catch up to the rest of the world would stretch my comfort even more. Africa then brought us to a whole new level; electricity was like gold if it could be found, parts of the African culture pushed me many times to my limit of my strength to love and I just wanted to hide away from people at night. Many people lived in mud huts outside of the cities, dust filled the air and dirtied our clothes in a single day. Most roads were left to decay, often leaving us packed on top of or crushed next to each other with live chickens and smelly people for hours bumping up and down at no more than 20 miles per hour as drivers frequently slammed on their brakes or swerved to avoid potholes.

In India, though, my outlook changed. We arrived, flying from one developing country to another. As we walked through the night after flying from Kenya through Qatar to Delhi, we once again transitioned from the comforts of our airplane to seeing mothers and children sleeping on the ground. Dogs barked at us as we tried to navigate through a dark alleyway to get to our train station. And yet I immediately began to fall in love with this place; tears would flow from my eyes for days after leaving Nepal and India as we left for the developed world of Kyiv, Ukraine.

The other night we finally watched the Lion King, something I wanted to do months ago when we were in Tanzania. And I'm beginning to miss everything. I wanna go back. I miss the beauty of the people in the Philippines, I miss sharing with the boys rescued from the streets just outside of Manila desperate for yet unsure if they could trust the hope of love. I miss Kenya and Tanzania. The places and the people I miss the most were those that changed me the most, often the ones that challenged me the most, and often the ones that stretched my heart and my strength to exhaustion. But these people were also the people that I often experienced the most love with, sometimes the ones that I loved, and others that showed me incredible love.

This isn't over; the shock is gone. There's something so much more valuable than a life of comfort, a life of success. My heart's still in the Himalaya. It's still in Muslim Arusha, Tanzania. It's still in the jungle around Mount Kilimanjaro and the desert all around it. I could stay for months sharing in the love of our mountain village in the southern jungle of Mexico. I want to share the life of Christ with our nation - the United States - calloused with comfort just like Israel was so many times throughout history. But my heart yearns to share with people in Nepal trapped in Hinduism and Buddhism. Maybe Tanzania, maybe Pakistan, maybe India!

But more than anything, I'm closer everyday to leaving everything for Jesus. I now value weakness, I now value brokenness. Paul says he considers everything rubbish in comparison to knowing Christ. Throughout history, His disciples have been tortured, have given their lives for Him. There's a lot that scares me still about that - but I'm desperate to know the love they had to drive them to give everything! I'm desperate to know what it's like to be weak enough to experience the love of total dependence on their creator. I'm desperate to love other people, seeing the Holy Spirit touch people in ways neither I nor they can imagine. I'm desperate to see a life I don't even understand yet but that I can't create, that I can't control. A life that can only happen if I let go and give everything, all of my faith, trust, hopes, and desires to my creator.

In less than three weeks I'll be on five flights and an overnight in an airport on my way to Michigan. And then on a drive out to Denver, and eventually somehow from there to Bozeman, Montana. I'll be leaving so many people that I love, with my heart spread out to so many people I may never meet again. But even though it hurts to love, I want this for a lifetime. We don't get a chance at this again. We don't get another chance to live a life completely abandoned for Christ on this earth in this time!

One of many beautiful sunsets in Tanzania

Center left: Two Maasai children peaking through the door

Center right: Exploring and praying through the labyrinth of India!

Life's Too Short

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Riding the ferry to the island of Ometepe, where we're working with an orphanage in an amazing place this month!

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."
- I Corinthians 13:1

Who am I? A pilot, a mountaineer, a network engineer? A bricklayer, dishwasher, preacher, evangelist? I don't even know anymore. This is our last month on the World Race, and we're working on a beautiful volcanic island in Nicaragua. But things are changing. Questions are being answered, and I'm once again learning what really matters in life, in ministry. I'm learning how we are to share Jesus.

The past few days, I've felt broken, inept at anything right now. I feel imperfect, which to me still at times translates to being worthless if I'm not careful, at my first time ever laying bricks building a new school here on our island in Nicaragua. Yet it doesn't matter whether I'm right or wrong, perfect or imperfect. God wants me to be humble, to be broken. And through it all, God's showing me that He delights in me; it doesn't matter what I think, it doesn't matter what others think. I don't have to define my identity; my creator has created me to be exactly who I am, with a glory unique from anyone else.

And once again, I'm having one of those weeks where I want to crawl up and hide inside my sleeping bag because of the pain inside of me. The pain of love. The thought of engaging and loving new people seems to be the last thing I could possibly do. The thought of working through conflict with my team and learning to be broken and to love seems to be the last thing I want to do. And yet it's who I am - loving is the most important thing I am created to do, love is the very thread of who I am created to be. Everything else is a distraction that soon leaves me feeling dead.

And yet I think this is a struggle we all have - we all run away from true love. We close our hearts because we feel inept, empty, or ashamed. To receive love requires brokenness and often exposes our pride. And to give love requires a strength we don't have. We risk so much to love. Rejection, pain, feeling knifed on the inside, feeling dead, feeling inadequate - all reasons to steer far away from exposing our hearts. It's easier to drown ourselves in our work, ministry, sleep, alcohol, drugs, pornography, masturbation, eating disorders, television, or video games, isn't it?

Yet love will be the one thing that drives us to have the faith, to have the courage to follow Jesus wherever He leads us. Love will be the one thing that drives us past all fears; love will give us the tenacity to pass through impossible roadblocks.

Why am I in pain? I don't understand it all, and I'm not ready to explain what I do know yet. But it's really easy to try to run away from that pain, try to find a way to deaden it. But perhaps I'm feeling pain because God wants to give me more of His heart even though I feel like there's no way I can handle it. Pain is often the road soon leading somewhere amazing.

We were all created to love deeply; we're desperate because that need isn't being met. Because we long to be loved -- to be loved by and with the love of our creator! We're desperate for His touch, we're desperate to share it! We're desperate to let go and lead lives of radical faith, radical obedience, radical love. But to do so requires a faith, a trust that seems too scary, maybe impossible until we try it. But I think life's too short for living half-hearted anymore, life's too short to be afraid of being alone with Jesus, too short to seek anything, anyone else first, too short not to be surrounded by His perfect love. We were designed for intimacy with a creator who would give Himself to us...who has given Himself to us.

The Power of a Village Part Two

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Our Family in Obregon

As I walked back to the church in Obregon to prepare a message, I hardly knew what to prepare. My heart was heavy, feeling inadequate, wondering if I was even contributing anything, feeling disobedient to God for fearing instead of loving, fearing instead of being passionate. The daily torrent of rain began to fall and I screamed to God on the inside for over an hour while drenching myself in the rain, getting the only shower I would have for five days. I guess I prepared my heart far more than I prepared anything to say. A few hours later, I walked to the front of the church to preach a message about the transforming power of Christ in my own life, sharing how God has changed me from someone who couldn't feel love to someone who finally could receive and give at least a taste of the love of Jesus with this community. A community that seemed to understand in their hearts more than I did what it means to allow the power of the love of Christ to transform nations and break down walls. The people of Obregon gave us everything they had and prepared feasts for us everyday with some of the best authentic Mexican food I've ever had! They invited us into their family, allowed us to shell beans with them, and play with their children in the mountains. We ate grilled plantains almost everyday, shared church with them almost every night, and enjoyed their smiles and hugs all day long. We washed dishes together, they washed our clothes, they let us rest when we needed rest. Yes, we shared truth with them, prayed for them, and loved them. But they loved us just as much in return!

During our final hours back in Palenque, Mexico after returning from Obregon, I shared with our main contact and friend who connected us with Pastor Carlos, about how I'd love to spend weeks back in the mountains. Eleazar replied, "Many villages need you to spend time with the people." And it hit me. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. People all around me are screaming to be loved. People need to know the truth, need to be listened to, prayed for, fed, given a place to live. I've grown up in a society where we learn to be selfish. We don't want our expectations to be changed. We have our ministry time where we're open to sharing and loving people for a little while. And yet if my run must be interrupted, if someone on the side of the road is stranded, or if someone has a need that changes or delays my plans, I often make excuses.

We are ministers 24 hours a day! Every single one of us that knows Jesus has the opportunity, the joy to share His love, His life, His truth. When we reject our opportunities to be interrupted, we are denying others the love of Christ. Yet when we offer someone a place to stay for a night, offer someone food, choose to listen to someone whom everyone else is rejecting because they might be annoying yet are desperate to be heard, we are showing them Jesus.

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
Then the King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick in prison, and did not help you?

He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not to for me.'

Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

--Matthew 25:37-46

The Power of a Village Part One

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. (Galatians 6:6)

Savoring the last few hours before we rode back down into the heat of Mexico from the mountains in Obregon, I gazed into the fields of corn and bananas clinging to the sides of the steep hills disappearing into the fog below. Returning from the last few days from one of the most amazing places we've been on the Race while living with people I won't forget for a long time, I perched on the top of our van negotiating the windy dirt roads sticking to the side of the mountain that provided a distant and fragile link to the rest of the world. It was the last four days loving and being loved by these people that finally answered a question that I asked ten months ago back when we started the World Race in the Philippines.

Since the Philippines, we've been so many different people, have been asked to fill so many roles. We've constructed concrete roads and buildings and taught and shared Jesus with abandoned boys in the Philippines. All over East Africa, our teams prayed for spiritual and physical healing, visited homes to share Christ, and preached in churches and open-air events. In India and Nepal, we consistently prayed for Buddhist monasteries and Hindu temples, inviting God to break spiritual strongholds. We spent time playing with children in Romania, sharing Christ in Croatia and Bosnia, and praying for sick and dying people all over the world - why!? So often I have asked, "Am I making a difference? What are we doing? Am I doing enough? Are we focusing our efforts where we are supposed to?"

The village of Obregon refreshingly perches in the coolness of the Mexican mountains among wild coffee and plantains and fields of cultivated mazand beans. Most of the residents can understand a little bit of Spanish, but Chol is the language of choice here. Pastor Carlos, originally from Tijuana, Mexico, quickly introduced us shortly after we arrived to his community - a small cluster of families living in wood homes with tin roofs, many of whom were members of his church. The red dirt yards were filled with dogs, pigs, chickens and turkeys. And every home had a concrete pad to dry and "thresh" the main staple of black beans.

Walking up the path to the people who would be our family for the next few days, we were smothered with smiling children running up to hug and bring us great joy. We were soon led to the kitchen to be treated to a freshly killed and cooked chicken, the most amazing fresh corn tortillas and black beans I've ever tasted, and home roasted and ground coffee, all cooked over the open-flame wood stove.

When our squad first arrived in Kenya, one of our coaches reminded us that we were the answer. Jesus lives within us, and when we choose to love, when we choose to share the life that God is giving us because we are His temple, because we are connected to His life-giving vine as His disciples, we are bringing life! I often ignore opportunities all around me; I see someone next to me in church with a face that screams something isn't right. But I chicken out because I'm afraid that their walls are up and I'll be rejected...or that my intuition is wrong. I questioned whether or not praying for people in Africa was doing any good. Were we just fooling ourselves, just going through the motions? Yet I am reminded of John 14:12 where Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."

Children of Obregon dancing

Captions of Bosnia - Set Two of Two

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

View from the front door of a home destroyed in the war.

Stairway to the second floor of the same home

Flowers in the mountains showing the incredible beauty of the area

Our morning view from the mountains

Aaron listening to his rock fall into the cloud-filled abyss dropping over a steep 1000 vertical feet

Captions of Bosnia - Set One of Two

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

All of the pictures in these two blogs were taken from Gornji Vakuf. Although the area still easily betrays its recent war-torn past, Bosnia is very beautiful! Much of Gornji Vakuf was being rapidly rebuilt, although Donji Vakuf further north in the valley seemed to be progressing much slower.

Downtown Gornji Vakuf

View of Gornji Vakuf from the hills

Although many buildings in town were at least partially repaired, many former homes like
these could be found in the surrounding hills.

Bosnia - Part Two

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Dan and Aaron hiking ahead in the mountains above Gornji Vakuf

Waking up at twilight cold, hungry and sore from the concrete floor, Aaron and I hiked our way towards where a bonfire party had been the night before. We found a few embers left in the fire and warmed ourselves until the sun rose above the mountains. Praying again to see if we should stay or return and try and catch a bus back to Croatia, we decided to head back towards the Caf, where we might find more people that could speak English and possibly share with.

On arriving, Aaron checked his e-mail and found a note from Summer, one of the women on our team who had had a dream she felt she needed to share with us the night before describing a person we would meet and needed to share Christ with. She didn't understand the dream entirely nor exactly why or when we'd need to hear it, but knew that God wanted both Aaron and I to know. I read the e-mail and immediately felt that the barista was the person in her dream.

Aaron and I decided to tell the barista, whom I will call Dan, about Jesus, letting him know that we felt he was the reason we were in Bosnia. And after praying, we shared with Him that we wanted Him to know about the love of Christ. Surprisingly, Dan said he knew there was something different about us. The locals were skeptical of our foreign presence. And yet he saw something different. And in Dan, there was a tenderness, a heart that longed for something much more than the hopelessness of the people in Gornji Vakuf.

Dan very quickly offered us his place to stay...and then soon decided it would be a sweet idea to spend the night in the mountains at his cabin. So, he quickly marched down to the grocery store and the bakery to buy food with his own money for us, insisting that we were his guests. And then we set off on the three hour hike into the highlands.

For the next day, we had the incredible opportunity to find out more about Dan's heart and his experience in the war growing up. We hiked through some of the most beautiful flowers I've ever remembered seeing as he talked about his father fighting to protect their city during the war, now working as a baker. We overlooked vistas I never imagined existed in Bosnia towards snow-capped peaks and to the entire valley below. For hours, we were able to share our common love of hiking in the mountains, swapping stories and desires. And we were able to share Jesus the entire time. Every longing Dan shared that time pointed at his deep desire for Christ. That night, we stayed warm and comfortably inside, awaking to the clouds blowing through the pine forests outside. We met one of the local shepherds guiding his sheep from the pasture, threw rocks down a huge valley, and marveled at the incredible beauty in God's creation all around us as we quickly forged a friendship in an event God clearly orchestrated in so many ways!

I don't know how God intends to work in Dan's life, but if He comes to know Jesus, He will be an amazing brother and an incredible joy! Keep praying that God will reveal Himself to Dan! The morning Aaron and I departed Croatia for Bosnia, Summer clearly made sure we knew that God was leading us to Bosnia for a reason. And I can clearly see Dan was that reason!

I love being able to see how the power of God transforms people. Although I think war may sometimes be necessary, it ultimately is the result of sin. And ultimately the only solution is the love of Christ. The first few days we spent in Croatia, we prayed everyday for the region with people from different churches from the city of Split. And it was absolutely powerful to me to see the Holy Spirit working to unify people in a land that has so often known war.

My desire more and more is to lead the way into countries where Jesus is hardly known. Into places that are war-torn or tough; places where the Gospel is opposed like the people of the Himalaya. Anytime someone says it's a tough area for Christians to be, like say Somalia, my ears perk up. Places like Nepal, Pakistan, India, and Tibet make my heart race just hearing about them! And I think our time in Croatia and our trip to Bosnia was a gift for me from God to give me hope and keep my desire alive to possibly soon share Christ in these places. No division is too great, no walls are too high because the love of Christ melts away hate!

Bosnia - Part One

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Life could hardly be described as easy right now. The process that God uses to reveal the beauty in each one of us can be very painful, and I'm right in the middle of that pain. Yet nonetheless, life is amazing even though I don't always see it. I know that through every bit of pain is the understanding that my desire to love Christ above all else is coming that much closer. And beyond that, there is still joy in what I can see every day! Almost two weeks ago, we landed in the beautiful mountainous country of Guatemala and climbed a volcano to see molten lava coming out of it just a few meters away from our feet! Now after driving sixteen hours through the lush green volcanos of Guatemala, we are in the jungle of tropical southern Mexico for another awesome month of ministry and transformation! But before we head into another adventure, I want to share an amazing story from last month during a three-day adventure into Bosnia.

During my freshman year of high school in 1995, my Dad left with the Army for Bosnia during the Bosnian War. My heart was still too closed and I was probably really too young to understand the full impact of him leaving and not knowing when or if he would ever come back. Dad returned 9 months later with a few stories, pictures, and video of the country. Yet until recently, the only thing I could remember of Bosnia was a picture of a disco club riddled with bullet holes and stories the media portrayed of a country filled with ethnic cleansing and land mines. And so for me, it was amazing to be able to head into the country almost fifteen years later to see why my Dad served with the military. And maybe even have the chance to share Christ with a land that has so often seen war.

This past month, much of our ministry was focused in the modern resort town of Split, Croatia. A few parts of the city alluded to Croatia's former history as part of Yugoslavia. And if you probed just a bit under the surface, you could find a dislike if not hate towards Serbia. Yet the city felt and looked almost like any place in the United States. But just thirty miles to the north lies the border to Bosnia. I've wanted to enter the country ever since I found out it was originally proposed on our World Race route, even though the route was later changed away from Bosnia.

Aaron and I did have the opportunity to share Jesus in Bosnia, though! With just a few days remaining before departing for Central America, we boarded a bus on an amazing adventure towards Gornji Vakuf, one of the towns heavily shelled during the Croat-Bosniak war that started in 1992. With nothing but a loaf of bread, a fleece, some water, and a tarp in my backpack, our bus dropped us off in the northern end of the Lava Valley in the town of Donji Vakuf, 30 km north of where I wanted to be. We walked away from the bus station praying and asking God to guide our footsteps, guiding us to people to share with and possibly a local Christian to make contact with. And after about a half hour we decided to try to hitchhike to Gornji Vakuf. Just a few minutes later after putting our thumbs out, we jumped in a VW with a former sniper during the war offering to take us the entire way!

Arriving in Gornji Vakuf, we offered our sniper-driver a half loaf of bread, and got out to begin surveying the town. We soon found an internet caf to make contact with the rest of our team back in Split and also the only two people we'd ever meet in Bosnia that could speak English. Aaron stayed to spend time reading and praying, and I went off to explore and pray over the town. I found beautiful mountains in the distance, many buildings that still betrayed the heavy shelling of the war, and tons of buildings and houses that were being rebuilt all over the city.

In the hills surrounding the villages, older men and women struggled to carry groceries up the hill, and many houses were left uninhabited to decay. Ignorant of whether or not the rumored land mine problem was real, I tried to stick to developed trails and roads but found an orchard with a beautiful view of the city below. I felt compelled to just pray for the people below, asking God to bring life to the city. During our entire time in the Lava Valley, we consistently found hopelessness among both the old and young. Although the town had religion - Islam followed by Catholicism were the predominant faiths in town - alcohol seemed to be a drug of choice to numb the pain of deadness.

Later that evening, I was drawn to pray for an old, torn up apartment complex that seemed to reek of pain and darkness, in desperate need of Jesus. Steel still frayed from balconies in disrepair, and holes that were probably from shelling had been roughly patched just to make rooms livable. I can't tell you why, but my heart just had compassion for the people in the complex. But, as it was getting dark and I was alone, I turned back to find Aaron, where we left the town quickly turning drunk to find a place to stay in the hills for the night. We found an old abandoned garage to hide and sleep in, and found a few hours of restless sleep huddling together underneath our tarp in the cold. I felt isolated, not wanting the police to find out we didn't have a place to stay, and not wanting the numerous inebriated villagers to have fun with the foreigners. Normally, I wouldn't have had that much of an issue at all. But for some reason, we both felt insecure and isolated.

(to be continued in the next post!)

Hurt and Desperation - Hope

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Riding back on the bus through Bosnian countryside

On the World Race, and I think missionaries in general, we learn just as much as we attempt to share with others. One person I talked to recently noted that very well it may be the tough times...the open learning process and struggle that shares truth with people that need to be discipled...in every nation. We just came back from Bosna i Hercegovina on an amazing adventure to share Christ, but I want to share the other end of the last blog I posted first - something else God has been sharing with me during my time in Bosnia. Because I don't think I'm the only one that deeply struggles with these questions. The following is a journal entry that I wrote with Jesus on my bus ride back into Croatia last night while travelling through beautiful mountain country at sunset.

Jesus - I want to be yours, and you to be mine. And as part of my relationship with you, I want you to select my beauty - a reflection of you - while I'm here on earth. As my gift - to love.

I'm sorry for coveting what isn't my gift - or my gift yet; maybe before that gift is ready. For mistrusting you and cheating myself out of someone beautiful you want to give me and to draw me ... and her ... into greater intimacy with you. Whomever she is - is precious - and wonderful - and beautiful to me - for exactly the way you've created me and her!

You have created me to see beauty the way I do for a reason - and I think you want to satisfy my desire in that way for that reason. The beauty in my wife, if that's what you desire for me in this lifetime, will draw me closer to you; I will see you in her.

In the end, the greatest gift you will give me through all of the gifts you give me is the ability and desire to deeply love you and those around me.

If you see best, the wife you will give me will not be a distraction from you, but intimately part of the love between me and you. And I will be part of the love between you and her.

How do I deal will all of this desire now, though? Honestly, I don't know. I'm learning to ask Jesus to show me His beauty when I pray. I love cuddling with my creator in my sleeping bag in the morning - crazy, eh? And once again even today, God is releasing away the stress in me through a thunderstorm. I don't know how all of this is supposed to work. But I think God may be able to satisfy our longings even here on earth in just the way we need when we give up crying for what we don't have, and simply give our desires to Him to satisfy in whatever way He knows we need best now.

I think God created us uniquely and for a purpose. And those uniquenesses and purposes He desires...WAITS to satisfy in the MOST PERFECT way possible in His way and His timing! We see beauty the way we do because He created us that way, and waits for us to draw into Him so He can satisfy us once we stop struggling to fend for ourselves and simply receive what He is waiting to offer us.

Bosnia was amazing, because we chose to let go of our expectations to allow our creator to work. I look forward to figuring out how to blog that experience as we prepare to head through the United States for the first time in 9 months on our way to Guatemala!

Jesus, my heart is fickle. I want you to set my gaze upon where you want it. Right now, I REALLY TRUST YOU; I cannot trust myself. Please take my eyes where you want them to be, set them upon where I want to be - where you want them to be. Commit my heart to the beauty you want me to know. I want you, and I don't know what's best for me. Take me, take my heart. Now more than ever, I'm done trying to figure this out on my own.

Photo: Forest in the clouds in Bosnia

Hurt and Desperation

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Love - it's the greatest reason that I still want to exist anymore, and the single greatest cause of why I no longer want to.

Mike Bickle in his book titled Seven Longings of the Human Heart* says,

"God's capacity for burning affection is one of the most unique aspects of His character. To be deeply loved and to deeply love in return is one of the unique qualities of the human spirit. This capacity for affection brings us to unimaginable heights of glory, but it can also be our downfall, bringing us to agonizing depths of perversion. An individual's capacity for burning desire, if re-fused, releases a terrifying capacity for destruction. Emotions can bring us to heights far beyond the angels if we say yes to God's grace, but to the lowest places of darkness if we say no to it. Exodus 20:5 says, "For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God..." God has jealous, ﬁery emotions for us and has created us to have the same emotions in response to Him."

As I stare out my 4^th floor apartment here in Split, Croatia I see cars parked everywhere on the sidewalks. As I walk to the caf to work or head to the Riva to share Christ, sometimes I'm bored enough to notice the cracks in the sidewalk stand out in this concrete jungle. Just next door a huge, multi-story modern mall is packed with a theatre, the latest fashions, and expensive restaurants. None of it means anything to me. Thousands of people living out their lives in oblivion...in a slow, plastic, fake, horrific death.

All around Split, huge billboards of women in bathing suits showcase their physical beauty. And yet their beauty is only like an instant flash on the movie screen of my mind before it fades. Most likely, her beauty is horrific and cruel - like a plastic plant; the outside from afar alludes to a great beauty on the inside, but from 10 feet away, she, the person whom the picture was taken of, is just fake. She's just an empty shell desperate to know Jesus but who has chosen to reject being transformed into beauty from her ashes. And I hurt SO MUCH!

For the last nine years that I can remember, my heart has longed for intimacy and beauty - to be one in the spirit and in flesh. And yet that desire has only led to great pain, torrential hurt. I've failed semesters of classes because of my horrific loneliness. No sense of duty, no fascination with science, no longing for great accomplishment or greatness comes close in comparison to the gnawing emptiness within me.

Once again, here in Split of all places, God has asked my dreams to die. My affections towards Him are still too weak, my heart too fickle. I fear I could never commit to a person in marriage. I fear that my passions for my wife - even if I found her to be captivatingly beautiful - could be turned at any time.

Right now, God is putting thorns in my path to protect me, protect my heart - because my heart, my affections are still far more affected by the beauty that God has placed in women than for his own beauty, the source! I'm desperate to know what David speaks of in Psalm 27:4 when he says, "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."

I have no hope now. I've either been rejected ... and most often God has told me NO most of the time to my desires to pursue somebody. But somehow I want to deeply know the beauty and love of my Jesus. I'm scared of the loneliness, scared of how long this will take. Yet I want to be completely satisfied, comforted, and captivated by the source of all beauty and love even it if means never being united with someone here on earth. I want my love song to always be for the one whom I love and who loves me the most. The one who has made me a covenant with me. Who is my Savior? What does that word mean? It means that one who will do ANYTHING for intimacy with me, the one who recklessly values my true affections. Who will allow His heart and body to be torn up in incredible pain for the hope of intimacy and affection with me. That is Jesus.

I will do ANYTHING for the one whom I love just because I love them. I'm not there with my creator yet - but I wanna be there. I'm afraid because I want to physically express and physically know the love and beauty my heart screams for inside as my act of worship. I don't want to settle or compromise. I don't want to be denied physically the intensity of the beauty, love, and intimacy I desire spiritually. But for now I choose to trust the best that I can even though I will make mistakes ... and see how for the rabbit hole goes.

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

- Excerpt from Here With Me, Mercy Me

The amazing side of life here in Croatia:
1.) I get to see God's love expressed through our team and a church already here as we share Jesus here in Split!
2.) I get to see God revealing incredible beauty in the women on my team as they are continually transformed!
3.) We get to swim a mile in the Mediterranean non-stop and run through beautiful trails in a huge park nearby!

*You can download Seven Longings of the Human Heart for free at: http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/File.aspx?ID=1000010084